Thursday, June 20, 2002
From The Brain of the Giant Head
How Could You Hate Screech?
Every Saturday morning from fifth to eighth grade was spent exactly the same way for most kids of my generation. You woke up, ate a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, pretended to read the paper so your parents thought you were more of an adult, and then grabbed the remote and joined Zach and the gang for another valuable lesson on Saved By The Bell. It was your happiest moment of the week, save when your teacher, Ms. Oldenstick, fell and her left boob came flopping out.
While Zach and A.C. kept all the young ladies’ hearts pounding and Kelly Kapowski was hotter than warm urine on a cold day, there was always one character that set up the others for their comedy. He was the butt of every joke. He could be a bit irritating at times, but his good-hearted charm is what made him loveable.
Samuel "Screech" Powers.
You might wonder why I’m bringing this up, considering most of us haven’t watched the Bayside crew in about 10 years because we either 1) got jobs, or 2) realized that City Guys is a much better show. But the LGB found a site the other day that took me by complete surprise.
Now while I’m not nominating Dustin Diamond for an Emmy anytime soon, I do think it’s a slightly ludicrous to devote an entire Web site to a person’s complete hatred of the curly-haired geek. This site goes so far as listing his TV Resume, pictures, his blood type and an autographed sample of his sperm. For a person that hates Screech so much, you’d think that taking the time to develop a Hate-Screech Web site would be the last thing on his mind...but you would be wrong.
Most of you, like me, understand that Screech was a WB character that somehow made it to regular network television, but when you’re 11 years old he’s the funniest thing since The Oldenstick Boob Incident. And though I’d rather get poked in the eye with a sharp stick than watch Adult Screech on Saved By The Bell: The New Class, I think back to my childhood and realize that the program is made for grade schoolers, not people with driver’s licenses.
Although I think this kid is nuts, I am a firm believer in freedom of speech and admire his initiative and rebellious attitude. Granted, my friends and I rebelled against things too, like teachers, parents, and country music, but we never had animosity toward a fictional character. Most of us were too busy trying to get the pink dye out of our hair, which, two days earlier, we thought was a great idea.
And I guess there could be worse things this kid could be doing other than picking on Samuel "Screech" Powers. He could be selling drugs or pimping prostitutes or fantasizing about Mel Gibson. Or he could’ve done the worst thing that anyone in the history of the world could ever imagine.
He could have devoted a page to Steve Eurcal.
Let’s see if we can get this kid to make another Web-site. Email him at email@example.com, copy me (firstname.lastname@example.org) and ask him to make the "Anti-Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen Page." Maybe if enough of us send emails, he’ll do it.