Thursday, June 13, 2002

From The Brain of The Giant Head

Looking At Graduation
A Year Later

Ah...graduation time again. It was only but a year ago I stood in the shoes of the millions of graduating college seniors and, for the record, my feet smelled a lot better. It was the happiest, yet most saddening time in my life. I was forever finished with homework, exams, term papers, skipping class and sleeping in till noon. I was leaving a land where I actually PAID $10 grand a year to suffer and moving into a land where I got paid $10 grand to suffer. At least the latter way I could suffer while watching my 50-inch TV. And what have I learned one year removed from the college scene?

Not a damn thing.

Sure, I can now go to the doctor all by myself, but I also have to pay for the visit out of my own pocket. I can buy all the clothes I want, but Mom no longer washes them for me. And contrary to my previous belief, I’m not eligible for the Senior Citizens Discount even though I’m the arthritic age of 23. Maybe I did learn something.

Life stinks.

At the time I was very adamant about escaping the college life that gave me a rather large beer-belly and permanent Nintendo thumb, but after one full season of bills, 6:30 wake-ups and the cancellation of Titus, I’m ready to go back.

Some of my friends just took the long walk in the cap and gown this past weekend, including the host of and of course, Authority Guru Alex. I asked the Guru a few questions dealing with college and graduation. Here’s what he had to say.

The Brain: What did you get out of college?
Authority Guru Alex: Since enrolling in college 5 years ago I have accomplished the following:

  • Missed 5 years worth of good night sleeps.
  • Developed and refined over 6,000 techniques for skipping class and getting away with it.
  • Diligently compiled a debt consisting of tuition bills and bar tabs that rivals the national deficit.

The Brain: Are you happy to graduate?
Authority Guru Alex: Were the Jews happy when Auschwitz was liberated?
(Editor’s Note— I think that’s a ‘yes.’ I’m just impressed he could spell Auschwitz.)

The Brain: What's more impressive and why: Tito Jackson's singing career or Will graduating in just under a decade?
Authority Guru Alex: I would have to say Will's graduation amazed me more. Not to discredit Tito, but who would have ever guessed that a poor, misguided, Asian street urchin from the rough Southside of Monford Heights could ever rise out of such oppression and adversity. And, to do it in under ten years!?! UTTERLY ASTOUNDING.

The Brain: I heard you tutored him for years?
Authority Guru Alex: When I first took Will under my wing he didn't have two pennies to rub together. But, with a little tough love and some Mr. Miagi-style guidance he was able reach his full potential. I guess it just goes to show, with the help of a few Elder graduates, even the lowest of the low have a chance to make something of themselves.

What will the Authority Guru have to say a year from now once the real world smacks him around a bit? Probably the same as now because he is the ever-knowing Guru. We applaud him for his goodwill work and saving a St. X boy from the crime-driven streets to help him make something of himself.

See LaSalle kids, there’s still hope for you.

Have a question you’ve been dying to know the answer to? Want to see your name in lights? Email me and I’ll get together with the Authority Guru and we’ll solve your question.