Friday, October 11, 2002

From The Brain of the Giant Head

I Feel Pretty And Witty And Gay (Meaning Happy)

When our grandparents were young, the word ‘gay’ had different connotations than it does today. When my grandfather called a man gay, he simply meant that the man was happy and in good spirits. Now when I call a man gay, he generally punches me in the face. Why? Because the word gay now refers to men (and women) that fancy the company of the same sex in, well how should I put this, in booty calls.

Now I’m not here to debate the moral issue of being ‘gay,’ as I really don’t care who you like as long as it’s not the Yankees, but I did find an interesting trend in Hollywood as they have recently tried to ‘out’ one of their own ‘A’ list members. His name is renowned. His action figures have sold millions. He has two buck-teeth that drive me crazy. Hollywood and the media have ‘outed’ Nickelodeon superstar SpongeBob Squarepants.

The debate over gay cartoon characters started years before SpongeBob entered the scene. In January of1999, Tinky Winky, the baggy-toting member of the PBS kids’ show, The Teletubbies, was denoted as "the gay Teletubby" in the New Year’s Day edition of the Washington Post. His creators claimed that the Teletubbies hadn’t even hit puberty yet, although they were concerned with Tinky Winky’s fondness of Broadway shows.

[Editors Note: Rumors in LA say that with the show not garnering the ratings it once did, Tinky Winky has auditioned for a role as the fourth PowerPuff Girl.]

Now while I had seen the Teletubbies show multiple times because I enjoy the seizures it induces, I had never once watched an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants. So I flipped it on the tube the other night to develop my own opinion in this situation. The episode revolved around SpongeBob getting a new pair of shoes that he "absolutely loved." That sure pointed in the gay direction, but I wanted to give SponeBob a chance to defend himself cause he seemed like such a nice guy.

So I called SpongeBob’s father, creator Stephen Hillenburg, to get to the bottom of this, and I did get to the bottom as Hillenburg told me to dig a hole and bury myself in it. But a publicist called me back and got me an interview with the man, er sponge himself, SpongeBob.

The Brain: How are you doing today, sir?
SpongeBob: Just peachy. And don’t called me sir. I prefer to be called Tiger.

The Brain: Um, okay...Tiger. What do you enjoy most about working in television?
SpongeBob: Well, I get to meet tons of celebrities like Matt Damen and Ben Affleck and, my favorite, Leonardo DiCaprio.

The Brain: Um, yeah. Speaking of Leonardo DiCaprio, I’ve heard rumors that he’s gay. If you were him, would you tell the world you are gay?
SpongeBob: Is he gay? Well that’s just the greatest news I’ve heard since I found out that that humor columnist, The Giant Head, is gay.

The Brain: WHAT!?!
SpongeBob: Yeah, everyone here in Hollywood has been talking about how gay he is.

SpongeBob: Oh, YOU’RE the Giant Head? Sure you’re gay?

The Brain: No! You are.
SpongeBob: No I’m not! You are.

The Brain: NO I’M NOT! You are.
SpongeBob: NO I’M NOT! You are.


After our conversation, I was able to determine that, while on the show, SpongeBob is a fun-loving cartoon that all the kids love, in real life he’s a real prick. I hate him and I would love to ruin him.

In fact, while he wouldn’t admit it, SpongeBob square pants is gay. GAY GAY GAY! And I don’t mean happy. He’s Gay-er than Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street and Natalie from The Facts of Life. Tell all your friends! Tell everyone!


Disclaimer From The Brain-- If you don't have a sense of humor, you suck.