Thursday, October 24, 2002

From The Brain of the Giant Head

Run All You Want, But We’ll Eventually Hook You In

On my drive to work this morning I was listening to the radio and the radio had very little to say. "Unemployment is up." "The Market is down." "The Economy sucks." All the usual garbage I am forced to listen to on my daily commute from my nice warm bed to the hell that pays me slightly better than minimum wage.

A lady called into the radio station to complain about the news. "This is the lamest news I’ve ever heard," she said. "All you guys ever say is ‘Unemployment is up.’ ‘The Market is down.’ ‘The Economy sucks.’ What gives?"

The irritating radio jockey replied, "Well ma’am, we always say that to sucker you in. Everyone cares about unemployment. Everyone cares about the market. Everyone cares about the economy. If we can sucker you in and hook you, you won’t change the station. We just need to catch you, and that news blurb always catches everyone."

"Unemployment is up." "The Market is down." "The Economy sucks."

And he was right. I fell into the trap, hook line and sinker. I stayed tuned into his station. He lured me in and captured me.

After hours of scratching my butt-crack and cursing the heavens above for inventing traffic, I finally became very interested in a news story on this station that didn’t involve political scandal or cow tipping. Over the course of the past couple of weeks, some egghead in the Washington D.C. area has taken a long distance shooting device that fires bullets further than fireworks and aimed them at unsuspecting citizens, notably ones that are low on gas. The radio (and presumably TV) networks have labeled this guy the D.C. Sniper. They tossed around ideas of The D.C. Sicko and the D.C. Moron, but Clinton and Dubya Bush could sue for copyright infringement.

Aside from the Sniper and his killing, which makes about as much sense as Michael Jordan’s cologne ("The Scent of a Sweaty Basketball Player), what ticked me off was every politician proclaiming that "We plan to seek the death penalty for the Sniper when we catch him." The death penalty is what we do for criminals who steal lawn flamingos (See Texas law). This is a different kind of criminal -- a malicious, cold-hearted stupid-head -- with an unprecedented type of crime. So I propose an unprecedented type of punishment.

Instead of killing the killer, I think torture is the way to go. Our nation would be better served to hold a lottery, at $1 a ticket. Through this lottery, select 100 individuals (on top of all the family and friends of the D.C. victims) to participate in the punishment events. Everyone has anger stored up inside of him or her and this would be a perfect way to legally let out the aggression you have from catching your spouse cheating on you in your own home or someone eating your last Hot Pocket.

After the winners are selected, they are flown to D.C. and taken to the jail of the Sniper. Here, the festivities begin.

Each person will get a turn to hold the miscreant by his feet and dunk his head in the toilet for an hour, flushing in 4-minute intervals and giving him a wedgie for good measure. If you can rip the underwear, you’ll get another turn at the end of the week.

When the swirly phase is over, it’s on to Phase Two. Apparently this Sniper has a fancy for Tarot Cards, so we should definitely make good use of that. Everyone from around the country can each mail in one card with a message written on it in black ink. Messages can range from "Burn in Hell" (or "Burn in Heck" for children under the age of 16) to "Die, Bastard, Die" to "Don’t Eat Yellow Snow"

Next, each lottery winner will take 5 Cards received from the public and personally shove them up the Sniper’s butt, one at a time. If the Sniper moves or tries to push any of them back out, a victim’s family member gets to punch him in his twig and berries. This process goes on till all 500 Tarot Cards are stuffed in his large intestines at the same time.

We save the best for last. The final phase of the punishment involves the Sniper being taken to a white room where he is forced to listen to Michael Bolton albums for one week straight. After that I can’t imagine he would want to live any longer. He ruined so many lives, now we have ruined his. And this would serve as warning to all future copycats. Death doesn’t scare criminals, but Michael Bolton does.

And as I negotiated my car through traffic and devised this strategic punishment plan, I continued to think about the D.C. Sniper. I just can’t believe anyone would think he or she could get away with random murder without facing any consequences. The cops need to catch the Sniper and catch him now. They keep offering bubbling messages through the media that don’t work. They need to hook him in, and there’s a simple way to do that.

"Unemployment is up." "The Market is down." "The Economy Sucks."