by Brian Klems
From The Brain of the Giant Head
The Start Of Christmas
As all you history buffs know Thanksgiving started back in the 1600s, well after Chris Columbus discovered North America. It was on a cold day when the Indians and the Pilgrims sat down to celebrate a big turkey dinner after beating the Braves in the World Series. (It wasn’t until years later that the Pilgrims formed the Yankees, named after Yankee Stadium.) All the buffalo were scarce, so they ate turkey because that’s what you eat on Thanksgiving. And that’s history, as we know it today.
What the history books failed to mention about Thanksgiving was what happened the next day in a town near the big celebration -- The Great Early Christmas Sale at Plymouth Mall.
Chief Squanto, sales supervisor at Ambercrombie, was on the verge of losing his job due to his poor sales record, shortcomings in advertising, and his inability to speak English. He was also under heat for his tabernacle sacrifice of a potential customer — they frown on death caused by employees at Ambercrombie, but smile on robbing them blind.
As he was eating his leftover mashed potatoes the morning after Thanksgiving, he finally came up with an idea to get back in his boss’s good graces. He planned this super sale in which people would flock to the stores and buy gifts for their loved ones, keeping small quantities of hot items such as matches, Lincoln Logs, and Nintendos in order to drive up the price. The sale was a huge success, but Chief Squanto got fired a month later when people didn’t know what to do with the gifts.
In walks Pilgrim Steve, marketing executive and developer of Play-Doe.
Pilgrim Steve understood the public’s cry, for he was once part of the public, and turned to his trusty Bible for answers. Since he couldn’t find any answers there, he called his friend Jimbo and they came up with Christmas, an acronym for Come Help the Rich In Selling Toy-buyers Massive Amounts of Stuff. They picked to celebrate it on December 25th since everyone was already off work for Jesus’ birthday. Christmas instantaneously became a hit.
Now our Forefathers, Phil, Ted, Bob and Stinky, saw the economic gains of this newfound holiday and developed it even further. They created a mascot (a fat man in a red suit), reindeer (to keep the animal rights people off their backs), Charlie Brown’s Christmas (so they could sell videos) and mistletoe (so even Stinky could get some lovin).
The Pilgrims accomplished something that had never been done before in America and became a tradition for years to come. They screwed everyone out of their money.
Historical Note: Stinky’s love affair was a miracle and gave him happiness until three years later when he was thrown in prison for not keeping up on his child support payments. (Sounds like a Jeopardy question to me.)
Over 500 years later, Christmas is still a big success for retailers. Improvements have been made, including lights, decorations and wooden reindeer statues for yards that the neighborhood kids can rearrange in X-rated positions. Every year the powers that be create a new toy sensation, like Tickle-Me-Elmo, causing eager parents to kill one another to get their hands on one for their 2-year-old child, thus keeping population control for the country.
And as Christmas starts earlier and earlier every year (Independence Day this year), I sit back in my chair and curse the Pilgrims for what they did to ruin this country. I hate the Yankees.
I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and a fun shopping season. Give my love to the families and send a piece of pumpkin pie to The Brain, 3616 N. St. Louis Ave., Chicago, IL 60618.