Thursday, January 09, 2003

From The Brain of The Giant Head

God, I Love FOX

After a nice hiatus of Christmas cheer, lots of great food and a few games of foosball, I’m back for this new day and age of 2K3. My mind is refreshed. My body is a’bouncing. And I’m ready to welcome you into a New Year of insightful humor from my Brain.

Great news has been rampant over the first week of 2003 and there are about 8 billion things I could talk about from the economic woes of the United States to the Buckeyes national championship to possible war on Iraq. But out of all the latest news, the most prevalent issue I feel needs some poking is a brand new television show that has 20 eligible women, one handsome bachelor, and a love relationship based around the biggest lie since we landed on the moon -- which we all know was just a fictitious story to piss off the Commies.

God, I love FOX.

I’ve never been a fan of reality TV. Nothing interests me less than 30 people eating goat spleens to "survive" or 10 strangers trapped in a house without the annoyances of everyday life like Rosie O’Donnell, but FOX has finally created a show even I can sink my teeth into. Say hello to Mr. Joe Millionaire.

In this twist of fate show, Joe Millionaire is a tall, handsome man that looks like a cover of GQ. And although his brain functions a little slower than the average Cabbage Patch Doll, his dialogue chirps and aspires as charm. I mean, if I was gay I’d date the guy. Especially if he was worth $50 million, right?

To win his love, 20 lovely ladies made the trip to "his" castle in France and began fighting over him as soon as they arrived. Was it for his good looks and charm? Of course not -- they hadn’t even met Mr. Millionaire yet. Who they did meet was his butler, Paul Hogan (wasn’t that the name of the guy who played Crocodile Dundee?). The butler informed the sweet lassies that up until 2 years ago, Mr. Millionaire was a poor man who worked as a pooper-scooper for a zoo (or something like that), but then a rich relative died and he inherited over $50 million. The drool poured out onto their chins as they dreamt of wiping the drool off with million dollar bills. But of course, they all claim they are in it to find "true love."

The best part about this show, and the reason I’m breaking my "I Refuse To Watch Reality TV Edict," is that there is no money. This guy is no millionaire. This guy picks up animal dung for a living and, last time I checked, that career path garners slightly more in salary than your typical microwave. But none of the femmes know. And none of them will know until the finale, when he picks his filly, tells her "You’re The One," and then says, "Oh, by the way, I don’t have millions of dollars and I clean poop for a living."

God, I love FOX.

A friend of mine sent me an email his brother wrote after watching the first episode. Both my friend and his brother graduated from my alma mater, Ohio University. This was too true and too funny for me not to share with all of you. Here’s what his letter had to say:

"So there we were, enjoying the latest trash that Fox has puked onto our television sets, mindlessly staring at the godbox. All of a sudden, the flickering image ignited a synapse in my brain. Recognition occurred. "I know one of those girls!"
"My girlfriend looked at me. ‘What?’
"‘Dude, that's Melissa! My roommate in summer of senior year!’ We looked on with baited breath. Yes, there she was -- her red hair unmistakable and her name at the bottom of the screen. We waited through the first "choosing ceremony" were Joe gives each girl a pearl necklace (Get it? Very subtle, Fox), but unfortunately (?) she wasn't chosen.
"I feel the need to say here that she's a very nice, very good person. She subleased a room in our house, and turned a completely male pigsty inhabited by hockey players, skaters, and art freaks into a place that our girlfriends were no longer scared to stay. Her first day there, she put potpourri, flowers, and pictures of babies dressed like bumblebees in our very disgusting bathroom (that one baffled us for weeks). She was a cool girl. I would have never expected to see her on a show like that.
"Interesting side note: She was a theater major. Do we question the legitimacy of the show now (or did we ever need to)?" -- Jeff C.

As a fellow OU grad, I take solace knowing that other grads are going on to bigger and better things. And now we have another star graduate to add to the list of MacGyver, Matt Lauer and the guy who played Al Bundy. But I’m glad she got booted in the first round. And in retrospect, I bet she’s glad too.

Every other reality show thus far has cast stardom on all its participants. Shows like Survivor and The Amazing Race promote endurance and skill and attempt to give each contestant a stage to light up. But not this network. Not this show. Joe Millionaire will let all of America see what people are really like. They aren’t cunning or smart or able to count to 20 even while barefoot. They’re mean. They’re greedy. And now they have a platform to display those qualities and humiliate themselves in front of millions of viewers for the next 2 months.

God, I love FOX.