Friday, February 14, 2003

From The Brain of The Giant Head

She’s One Smart Cookie

Valentine’s Day is upon us again. What a load of crap. It’s the one day of the year that makes single people feel awful and people with a significant others feel worse. Why? Single people look at other couples and say, "Look at them all happy and stuff. I’m going to be angry and alone for the rest of my life!" And people in relationships look at single people and say, "Look at them all happy and single and not getting yelled at for buying their girlfriend a garbage disposal for Valentine’s Day. Lucky bastards."

The LGB and I usually take it easy for Valentine’s Day. Years ago when we started dating I learned that her birthday was exactly one week after Cupid’s holiday, February 21, and I threw down the gauntlet and said, "Well babe, we can either celebrate your birthday or Valentine’s Day because I only do one holiday per month."

She chose her birthday, which sucked because DVD players and jewelry are more expensive than Snickers bars. But because of that I get one "Get Out Of Jail Free" card each year on the hallmark of all love holidays. Or so she would have me believe.

I have to admit, the LGB is one smart cookie as she knows how to trick me into things. When we initially talked about Valentine’s Day last week, I told her, "Listen, I don’t want to do ANYTHING for Valentine’s Day except sit around and watch TV with the woman I love." I thought that was sweet and at the time she agreed whole-heartedly. So I had plans of coming home, microwaving leftover pizza and sitting on the couch and watching America’s Funniest Home Videos till I fell asleep.

Then two days ago she sent me an email suggesting we see a movie just because we haven’t gone to a movie in awhile. I’m a fan of movies and figured it wouldn’t be too much trouble to head over to the local MegaPlex. It seemed like an okay idea so I said, "Why not."

The following day, which I like to call "Yesterday," she sent me another email saying "Well, since we’re going over to the Movie Theater anyway, we might as well go out to dinner at a restaurant over there." I like eating and it made logical sense, so I emailed her back and said, "Why not."

Valentine’s Day came today, on Friday and on my drive to work this morning I did my typical routine: I got in my car, turned the ignition, picked my wedge and opened my bookbag up to find the face to my car stereo so I could listen to Sports Talkers discuss whether or not the Cubs will win the World Series this year. Considering they haven’t won a series since 1908, chances are slim. While I dug through the mounds of crap stuffed in my bag I noticed a pretty pink card covered in hearts that said "To My Valentine from The LGB."


How did she sneak this into my bag? More importantly, how much trouble will I be in considering that instead of my usual Have-A-Nice-Day kiss I gave her a hearty high-five this morning. I’m sure that if there were a doghouse I’d be sitting in the stinky part. So I made a quick trip to Walgreen’s to look at possible cards I could get for her. Apparently everyone else remembered this holiday and out of the 4 aisles generally full of Valentines only 2 cards remained, leaving slim pickings for a guy whose life depends on it. I ran through my choices figuring at least one had to fit.

The first one had a picture of two cute little cuddly bears on the front, one with a bow-tie on top of its head indicating it’s a female and one without any underpants indicating it’s a male.

On the front it said:"1 plus 1 equals 2 -- Me and You."
On the inside: Happy Valentine’s Day!"

While this card probably would have come in handy in third grade when Sally Strumfield was hot stuff, unfortunately now it’s too cheesy for me and math isn’t exactly the LGB’s strong suit as I learned after cooking her dinner every night last week, which she counted as "twice."

The second one had an old lady on the front, wearing an old lady bonnet and sunglasses the size of Montana. She held a box of heart-shaped candy.

On the front it said: You’re sweeter than a box of candy.
On the inside: But since your doctor says you can’t have any because of your age, all you get is this card.

That’s just asking for a black eye, so with a lack of better options I chose the first card with the bears and picked up some roses to make up for the lame card.

When I finally got to my house after work, I opened the card. On the inside she wrote a bunch of mushy stuff as per usual, but then ended it with: "PS- why don’t you wear that blue tie that looks really good on you when we go out." Flattery will get you everywhere and she’s right, I do look good in that blue tie so once again I said, "Why not."

As I looked back over these emails and the card I realized that my quiet night of watching TV with the woman I love turned into me buying her a card and rose, getting dressed up and taking her out to dinner and a movie. DAMN! I can’t believe it. She’s good. She can be pretty cunning when she wants something. And she out-smarted me this time, but I don’t like her odds of ever doing it again.

They’re about as good as the Cubs winning the World Series.