Monday, April 21, 2003

From The Brain of the Giant Head

The Etiquette of Smack Talking

Smack talking is an integral part of all fantasy sports leagues. Most guys and girls say they join Yahoo fantasy baseball for the competition and goodwill of the sport, but that’s all a big fat lie. I didn’t join 4 different leagues this year just to win -- I joined them to make everyone else look stupid through a plethora of arrogant statements and funny jokes about their mamas. It’s an artform that doesn’t get any respect, except for the few of us that have mastered the skill.

To partake in the smack-talk community you must have three things:

1) A quick wit -- because smack-talk responses lose their luster when uttered two days after the original smack. For example, say you are driving to work on Monday and your friend says to you, "My grandma drives faster than you." It’s bad to wait till Thursday to say "It’s because my large genitalia prohibits me from pressing on the gas too quickly." While clever, your friend will have forgotten his quip and just think you are a big perv.

2) A thick layer of skin -- because sometimes jokes can get out of hand. This has happened to me before when they tell you your head has gotten to big to fit through the doorway and you tell them their butt is too big to fit through the Grand Canyon and they tell you to sleep on the couch until you’ve thought about what you said. This is damaging to your relationship and, more importantly, your back.

3) The ability to make the other person sound stupid at all costs -- it doesn’t matter what you say, as long as you have a plan of attack you will do alright. Themes are always good, like attacking a person’s body parts or lack of Nintendo skills, but the theme must fit the particular situation. That’s why fantasy baseball makes for a perfect outlet for excellent smack talk.

There are very few people I know that can efficiently pull off proper smack talk without pissing people off enough to get punched in the face. The people are the move-and-shakers of the world. They are the people with enough intelligence to run successful companies and own multi-billion dollar corporations, but get stuck doing clerical work. Why? We offend the Powers That Be with our clever verbiage and become pee-ons for life. Word to the wise, don’t ever tell your boss his wife looks like a giant potato -- he will have you alphabetizing file drawers till 2005.

Here is an example of good smack talk dialogue during a weeklong battle of Fantasy baseball:

The Amazo: "You're employment of witchcraft caught me quite off-guard. Luckily (as I thought you would now realize) I carry my anti-curse kit with me everywhere and have successfully shed off your evil spell. Better luck next time."
The Brain: "If I had a nickel for every homerun I beat you by, I’d be able to own you, your family and Microsoft."
The Amazo: "I’d like to save you the embarrassment of getting pummeled by offering you the chance to concede defeat for the week and move on with dignity."
The Brain: "I would concede, but I have faith in my team unlike the lack of chemistry in yours. I suggest you sell the team so they have a fair shot at competing instead the embarrassing defeats you put them through week in and week out."
The Amazo: "Wow, now that I think about it we both have pretty good teams, unlike that Authority Guru. His team blows."
The Brain: "Yeah, his team scores even less than he does."
The Authority Guru: "You guys are assholes."

If there was an Olympics of Smack-Talking, my friends would talk most of the medals. But until that day comes, we will have to settle for the joy of knowing we can outwit most everyone.

You don’t believe me? Of course you don’t cause your mama used to tell you there was always one really stupid kid in every class, but you looked around and couldn’t find him. BOOYAH!