Posted 3:33 PM by Wise One

You say Potato, I say "What the Hell are You Talking About?"

I am a worldly traveler, as many of you know. I was born and raised on the sunny beaches of Cincinnati, spent some time in New York and decided to make a home for myself in the windy city of Chicago. I spent four years of my life in the Mecca that is Athens, Ohio. I've traveled from Mexico to New Orleans to Macomb. Even though we all speak English, I find that we never know what the hell others are talking about.

When I lived in the Big Apple, happily named the Big Apple because that's what they throw at you in order to steal your cab, my girlfriend and I went to a restaurant on the bottom floor of the Empire state building. Here is my exchange with the waiter:

Waiter: "Can I start you off with something to drink?"
Me: "I'll take a pop," but Waiter hears: "Donde es elbano?"
Waiter: "I'm sorry, but we don't carry that," looking at me like I am an alien from the planet Vulcan. "We have some cold sodas if you like to try one."

SODA. Who in the hell calls it SODA? More importantly,
why is this waiter trying to pick my pocket?

Me: "Fine then, I'll have a SODA."

The universal language that all Americans share changes depending on what part of America you're in. In Columbus, when I say "Gym Shoes," they tell me I'm talking about "Tennis Shoes." In Texas, when I say "Trial by Jury," they say I mean "Lethal Injection." In California, when I say, "Let's make with the Lovin," they say, "Let's make with the Lovin." (I guess some things are universal.)

Now, this might not mean anything to you but it sure bugs the crap out of me. It's generally bad enough that when I go to a restaurant they seat me next to a mother, her son, and his twelve obnoxious friends that keep throwing French-Fries at me. I wouldn't mind so much if they would refrain from loading them with ketchup before the assault.

On the other side of me, of course, is the man that ordered his hamburger with a detailed list of Dos and Don'ts because he knows they will screw it up and he is looking forward to taking out his aggression and getting a meal free.

Angry Man With Mullet: "I want my hamburger with everything on it except onions, tomatoes, pickles, ketchup, mustard, Mayo and beef. And I'd like you pick all the seeds of the bun with your toes. Did you getthat?"

Waitress: "Uh yeah."

The waitress returns ten minutes later with the food.

Mullet Man: "These seeds were picked off with your elbow! Bring me a manager!"

And so on. So when I go to a restaurant, the last thing I need is to argue the semantics of the carbonated-unhealthy-comes in a can-drink that my mouth is dying for. It doesn't even work when I try to be specific.

Me: "Can I have a Pepsi?"
Waiter: "We only serve Coke."
Me: "Can I have a Coke?"
Waiter: "Actually, we only serve soda."

As a wise man once said, "I will not call it Soda because Soda is stupid.

Sounds like a valid argument to me.

Posted 3:30 PM by Wise One

For Pete's Sake, Leave the Toilet Seat Up!

The differences between men and woman couldn't even fit in the Grand Canyon. A woman thinks with her heart. A man thinks with his wallet. A woman wants to talk on the phone for hours. A man wants an entire conversation to span one word: "Sup." A woman wants to cuddle. A man wants to . well, let's just say that he doesn't want to cuddle.

The biggest argument men and woman squabble over today originated sometime after outhouses were banned in all states, except for West Virginia. It's an argument that has the potential to be as prominent as World War II or the cancellation of Full House. There is no middle ground on this dispute and men and women will fight about it till they day they have to switch to Depends. What am I talking about?

The Debate to Put the Toilet Seat Down.

Time after time after time I get yelled for leaving the toilet seat in the vertical position after emptying my bladder. Now I don't think girls understand how much energy it takes to undo your zipper, whip out and hold a gigantic, um, thing -- Elaine from Seinfeld once summed up a girl's thoughts and said, "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things?"

Then, as if that wasn't worse than a Tae Bo workout, you have to aim with great care and delicacy toward the center of a white canvas that has no target. The pressure builds every second you're in there. When you're finally finished and at ease the last thing you want to do is waste more of your precious energy by lowering the toilet seat.

Girls are always complaining, saying things like, "When it's the middle of the night I can't see, and if the seat's not already down I might fall in! Don't you care about me!?!" First of all, of course we care about you. Where else would we get our foot-rubs after a hard day of work. And second of all, the excuse about falling in is dumb. I've gone to the bathroom in the middle of the night (remember, guys have to sit down too sometimes) and never had a problem. Did you ever hear a guy complain about falling in? Of course not. You know why?

Cause we have enough sense to look.

Now I'm sure it's common courtesy to lower the toilet seat when a female is waiting in line to pee, which I'm willing to do, but when a man is waiting in line does a girl ever put the toilet seat up after she pees? NO! She callously only thinks of herself.

It's not my intention to pick on girls in this column, but I am a boy and am doing it on this issue for three particular reasons. One, your logic makes no sense. Two, I'm lazy. And three, your logic makes no sense.

Girls can have it only one of two ways. Men could either leave the seat down all the time and risk staining it yellow, or they could leave it up all the time and pee in the appropriate area. Sure, girls will bear the brunt of the work to put the seat up and down, but isn't that better than sitting in a ring of urine? If I was a girl, I'd happily choose option number two and quit my complaining.

But alas, I am not a girl so I will never understand. And on a side note to Lovely Girlfriend Brittany -- I didn't pee on my hands, so why do I have to wash them after I'm finished?

Posted 11:41 AM by Wise One

The Band of Killer Biscuit Ninjas

Grade school was rough. While the government was having colossal problems balancing the budget and curbing unemployment, I too was trying to solve major problems like long division and being picked last in gym class. The worst was protecting the sacred 10 cents my folks gave me for milk to go along with my lunchtime peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the ten-foot tall three-eyed monster known as the class bully. If I only knew then what I know now.

A friend of mine pointed me in the direction of this group of Ninjas. Their Web site, realultimatepower.net, gave me a glimpse of what could have been and what could be in the future. While I always thought Ninjas were fictional characters developed by Kenner Toys to help sell more action figures, apparently the Ninjas do exist. The site gives three facts about ninjas that I feel are important for all to know:

1. Ninjas are mammals.

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.

3. The purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people.

Well, it's been a while since I took biology, but I believe I fit into category number one. While I'm not a very violent person, I do fight commuter traffic every day, which qualifies me for number two. Now number three is a bit trickier, since I only flip out when the Cincinnati Reds lose, and I've never killed anyone... but I have had thoughts of drawing funny glasses and mustaches on plenty of people as they sleep. Unfortunately that doesn't count as killing, but we'll consider it close enough.

I decided to start my own tribe of Ninjas called the Band of Killer Biscuit Ninjas. With our stealth-like moves, unmatchable intelligence and break-dancing abilities we should be able to take over the world in a mere 5 to 7 months. I designated myself leader of the tribe since 1) I am ridiculously smart and 2) it was my idea in the first place. I also needed a cool fighting name, so I assigned myself the title "Whitey Castles Ninja," named after my magical ability to eat a ten-sack of Sliders in under 4 minutes. Next it was time to recruit a posse.

The first recruited member of the group was none other than Authority Guru Alex, who I named "Quick Switch Wizard Ninja." He demonstrated his ultimate fighting power to me by convincing two drunks at the pool table that the next set of quarters waiting for game play were his, when, in fact, they belonged to his girlfriend, Nice Smile Mitch. In a settlement with Nice Smile Mitch to avoid formal litigation and a punch in the face, I added her to my tribe naming her "Punch Your Lights Out Ninja."

The next member to join the gang was Wise One Will, a former UC Bearcat and man that knows his way around the world (since has been to two continents and Alabama). His incredible power lies in his ability to humiliate even the prominent suits of the world with his dominating Foosball skills. His new name is "Foosball King Ninja."

The final member of the team was the LGB herself, Lovely Girlfriend Brittany. She earned a spot on the Biscuit Ninjas by ripping out all of my leg hairs, earning her the nickname "Fiery Femme Ninja" and causing me to sleep on the couch for the following week.

Once the troop was together, we formed a plan to take over the world. The plan got foiled by two cases of Bud Lite and a 3 pounds of ground beef that Punch Your Lights Out Ninja turned into a wonderful taco spread.

So while our plan of world domination was put on hold, you'll never be sure when and where the Band of Killer Biscuits will strike. And if I were the ten-foot tall three-eyed bully that pushed the Brain around in grade school, I'd mail me $34.20 to replace all the milk money stolen from me. Otherwise you may suffer a beating from real ultimate power.

And to this day milk brings back hateful memories of my youth. And it makes me wet the bed. LGB doesn't appreciate that.

Posted 11:01 AM by Wise One

The Top Five Movies of All-Time

Movies are a phenomenon that have been around longer than most forms of entertainment that we enjoy like television, planetariums and the World Wrestling Federation. My parents tell me stories about how they used to go to the movies when they were little and it only cost a nickel to get in and you could trade the gum in your pocket for 10 gallons of popcorn. Now it cost me $10 bucks (or 200 nickels) just to get in, and that doesn't include the $5 matchbox of popcorn and the $8 beverage the size of an average coffee mug.

Boy, how times have changed.

Every year I hear about how movies are setting new records. For example, Harry Potter made more money in one weekend than Deuce Bigalo Male Gigolo made all year! If that wasn't enough, Mr. Squatter and company just set a new record for the highest grossing movie of all time.

But who cares about that?

With the ever rising cost of movie tickets, of course we are going to see new records set year after year after year. Does that really mean anything? Unless you are making commission from one of those blockbusters, then no.

What interests me more is the statistic on "Butts in Seats." This stat has little to do with money, but more to do with how many actual butts sat in seats to watch each movie. Theoretically, that should be a bigger indicator of how successful/popular a movie truly is. Luckily for you, I heard the answer on the radio this morning during my wonderful commute (yelling, honking, screaming) to my office (more like Girl Scout Cookie Box with a cut out window that I can't open).

While I was amazed that neither Home Alone nor Spiceworld made the list, I was partially impressed with the top five, thus giving me some hope that people do have taste. Here is the list, starting with number 5 and my notes on each flick:

5. Titanic Okay, so this movie shouldn't be a surprise to make the top five, but now that the movie is 5 years old I'd like to see how many people actually enjoy watching the 3 plus hour video they purchased of it. The love story sucked. The boat sinking was kind of cool. I'd rather be kicked in the testicles twice than watch this movie again.

4. ET This was one of my favorite movies growing up. Sometimes I think people tend to forget about it, but this is NOT a forgettable movie. When he first encountered Elliot, we were all intrigued. When he was sick in the plastic medical chamber, we were all scared. And when he left to return to his planet, we were sad to see him go. Probably the best movie of my lifetime (though Dumb & Dumber runs a close second).

3. The Sound of Music The Von Trap family and Mary Poppins sing and dance and keep things cheerful as a war is going on. Many of us learned that a Doe is a deer . a female deer. While it brings many parents back to their youth, it is interactive enough for children to enjoy as well. Decent movie, but ET was better.

2. Star Wars (the original) How could you not think that in a top five list about movies at least one of the Star Wars would be mentioned? Luke Skywalker is the coolest. Princess Laya is yummy. And Darth Vader? All I can say is with a huge noggin like that, he and I must be brothers.

And Finally,

1. Gone With the Wind While I have never actually watched this movie I hear it is quite good

And while Harry Potter will never make this list, rest assured that one day another movie may come close to this top five. Of course, you'll have to sell one of your kidneys to see it.