Thursday, May 09, 2002

The Band of Killer Biscuit Ninjas

Grade school was rough. While the government was having colossal problems balancing the budget and curbing unemployment, I too was trying to solve major problems like long division and being picked last in gym class. The worst was protecting the sacred 10 cents my folks gave me for milk to go along with my lunchtime peanut butter and jelly sandwich from the ten-foot tall three-eyed monster known as the class bully. If I only knew then what I know now.

A friend of mine pointed me in the direction of this group of Ninjas. Their Web site,, gave me a glimpse of what could have been and what could be in the future. While I always thought Ninjas were fictional characters developed by Kenner Toys to help sell more action figures, apparently the Ninjas do exist. The site gives three facts about ninjas that I feel are important for all to know:

1. Ninjas are mammals.

2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.

3. The purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people.

Well, it's been a while since I took biology, but I believe I fit into category number one. While I'm not a very violent person, I do fight commuter traffic every day, which qualifies me for number two. Now number three is a bit trickier, since I only flip out when the Cincinnati Reds lose, and I've never killed anyone... but I have had thoughts of drawing funny glasses and mustaches on plenty of people as they sleep. Unfortunately that doesn't count as killing, but we'll consider it close enough.

I decided to start my own tribe of Ninjas called the Band of Killer Biscuit Ninjas. With our stealth-like moves, unmatchable intelligence and break-dancing abilities we should be able to take over the world in a mere 5 to 7 months. I designated myself leader of the tribe since 1) I am ridiculously smart and 2) it was my idea in the first place. I also needed a cool fighting name, so I assigned myself the title "Whitey Castles Ninja," named after my magical ability to eat a ten-sack of Sliders in under 4 minutes. Next it was time to recruit a posse.

The first recruited member of the group was none other than Authority Guru Alex, who I named "Quick Switch Wizard Ninja." He demonstrated his ultimate fighting power to me by convincing two drunks at the pool table that the next set of quarters waiting for game play were his, when, in fact, they belonged to his girlfriend, Nice Smile Mitch. In a settlement with Nice Smile Mitch to avoid formal litigation and a punch in the face, I added her to my tribe naming her "Punch Your Lights Out Ninja."

The next member to join the gang was Wise One Will, a former UC Bearcat and man that knows his way around the world (since has been to two continents and Alabama). His incredible power lies in his ability to humiliate even the prominent suits of the world with his dominating Foosball skills. His new name is "Foosball King Ninja."

The final member of the team was the LGB herself, Lovely Girlfriend Brittany. She earned a spot on the Biscuit Ninjas by ripping out all of my leg hairs, earning her the nickname "Fiery Femme Ninja" and causing me to sleep on the couch for the following week.

Once the troop was together, we formed a plan to take over the world. The plan got foiled by two cases of Bud Lite and a 3 pounds of ground beef that Punch Your Lights Out Ninja turned into a wonderful taco spread.

So while our plan of world domination was put on hold, you'll never be sure when and where the Band of Killer Biscuits will strike. And if I were the ten-foot tall three-eyed bully that pushed the Brain around in grade school, I'd mail me $34.20 to replace all the milk money stolen from me. Otherwise you may suffer a beating from real ultimate power.

And to this day milk brings back hateful memories of my youth. And it makes me wet the bed. LGB doesn't appreciate that.