Tuesday, May 14, 2002

For Pete's Sake, Leave the Toilet Seat Up!

The differences between men and woman couldn't even fit in the Grand Canyon. A woman thinks with her heart. A man thinks with his wallet. A woman wants to talk on the phone for hours. A man wants an entire conversation to span one word: "Sup." A woman wants to cuddle. A man wants to . well, let's just say that he doesn't want to cuddle.

The biggest argument men and woman squabble over today originated sometime after outhouses were banned in all states, except for West Virginia. It's an argument that has the potential to be as prominent as World War II or the cancellation of Full House. There is no middle ground on this dispute and men and women will fight about it till they day they have to switch to Depends. What am I talking about?

The Debate to Put the Toilet Seat Down.

Time after time after time I get yelled for leaving the toilet seat in the vertical position after emptying my bladder. Now I don't think girls understand how much energy it takes to undo your zipper, whip out and hold a gigantic, um, thing -- Elaine from Seinfeld once summed up a girl's thoughts and said, "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things?"

Then, as if that wasn't worse than a Tae Bo workout, you have to aim with great care and delicacy toward the center of a white canvas that has no target. The pressure builds every second you're in there. When you're finally finished and at ease the last thing you want to do is waste more of your precious energy by lowering the toilet seat.

Girls are always complaining, saying things like, "When it's the middle of the night I can't see, and if the seat's not already down I might fall in! Don't you care about me!?!" First of all, of course we care about you. Where else would we get our foot-rubs after a hard day of work. And second of all, the excuse about falling in is dumb. I've gone to the bathroom in the middle of the night (remember, guys have to sit down too sometimes) and never had a problem. Did you ever hear a guy complain about falling in? Of course not. You know why?

Cause we have enough sense to look.

Now I'm sure it's common courtesy to lower the toilet seat when a female is waiting in line to pee, which I'm willing to do, but when a man is waiting in line does a girl ever put the toilet seat up after she pees? NO! She callously only thinks of herself.

It's not my intention to pick on girls in this column, but I am a boy and am doing it on this issue for three particular reasons. One, your logic makes no sense. Two, I'm lazy. And three, your logic makes no sense.

Girls can have it only one of two ways. Men could either leave the seat down all the time and risk staining it yellow, or they could leave it up all the time and pee in the appropriate area. Sure, girls will bear the brunt of the work to put the seat up and down, but isn't that better than sitting in a ring of urine? If I was a girl, I'd happily choose option number two and quit my complaining.

But alas, I am not a girl so I will never understand. And on a side note to Lovely Girlfriend Brittany -- I didn't pee on my hands, so why do I have to wash them after I'm finished?