BraiN

From The Brain of the Giant Head

A Farewell to Sneaking from the Red to the Blue

Last weekend I said goodbye with thousands of others to one of the most memorable, most colorful and ugliest baseball stadiums to ever grace our great nation. The artist formerly known as Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati held it’s final games this past weekend and I had a chance to waive farewell from the blue seats where I sneaked down to from the red. And on Monday night, I got to see the Big Red Machine play one last time. Bench, Griffey, Morgan, Perez, Concepcion, Foster, Geronamo and of course, Charlie Hustle himself, Pete Rose. I even got a Pete Rose Bobblehead.

So many great memories will be locked away forever with the closing of the stadium that looked more like an ashtray than a baseball field. All I need to say is 4192 to Cincinnatians and everyone knows what I am talking about -- the price of two hot dogs and a beer. Or I could mention the time Lou Pinella challenged the first base umpire to a Frisbee contest and tossed the first base bag out in right field. Pinella won. His prize: an ejection.

While most kids my age weren’t alive when The Big Red Machine held center stage, we did witness the resurgence in 1990 with the Wire-to-Wire team that swept the powerful Oakland A’s. Eric ‘The Red’ Davis was every young boy’s hero. Barry ‘Hometown’ Larkin became the greatest shortstop of our generation. And I sported the Chris Sabo goggles game in and game out, even though I didn’t need glasses. And as much as you try to deny it, I know you owned a pair of Sabo Goggles too. You probably still wear them late at night when no one is around.

These are the heroes that make Riverfront memorable -- that and the one-inch of urine on the bathroom floors.

My greatest memory at Riverfront was my 9th birthday. My dad took me down for a game. We parked in Indiana, as many people have to with the lack of downtown parking, and hustled over to the park -- well, I hustled as my Dad strolled, but I had to because his legs were twice as long as mine. It was a 0-0 game in the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs and no one on. Paul ‘I kick the ball to the shortstop’ O’Neill came to the plate, and with two strikes hit a ball (that still hasn’t landed) over the right field fence to give the Reds a 1-0 win. The fireworks exploded immediately. And as my Dad and I left the ballpark, I found a $5 bill on the ground, which my father made me give him to reimburse him for my ticket. It was the greatest birthday of my life.

I’d try to pick another favorite moment, but it’s hard. They are all my favorite moments. I was at game two of the World Series when Joe ‘I have a mullet’ Oliver had the game-winning hit in the 10th. I was there when Norm ‘Nasty Boy’ Charlton crashed into Mike Scioscia at home plate. I was there the day before Tom ‘My Arm Fell Off’ Browning pitched his Perfect Game (DAMN!). And I was there the day they turned off the lights for the last time.

It’s hard to imagine the Cincinnati Skyline without the round bowl out front, but by next spring Cinergy/Riverfront Field will be no more. On December 29th of this year, the Stadium will come falling down by way of the biggest implosion in Cincinnati history. They Stadium that took 4 years to build will evaporate in 38 seconds. It cost $3 million to erect. Once you stop laughing over me using the word ‘erect,’ step back for a second and realize that it will take $25 million to knock it down. The home of our memories may disappear, but the heart will always be alive, especially each time we pay 7 bucks for peanuts.

And while I’m sure Major League Baseball will fine me a million bucks for mentioning the banished Pete Rose’s name at the beginning of this column, I’m sure I can sell his bobblehead on eBay and still walk away with a profit.

We’ll miss you Riverfront -- sort of.

I’d like to give a shout out to Lu and Derek. Thanks for reading my column. (And for not throwing garbage at me when you met me in person.) Tell your friends. If you keep on reading I’ll keep on writing. I have plenty of info stored in this Giant Head of mine and I’m happy to share it. --The Brain

Posted 2:05 PM by Brian K

From The Brain of The Giant Head

The Meaning of Life

Sometimes late at night, when you’re hanging out with your buds (and by buds I mean one guy friend and eight girls) you find yourself playing silly games like Truth Or Dare or Twister or Pin The Tail On The Sleeping Parent. While this brings a few laughs, especially when games are combined and someone’s Dare is to run naked up the stairs and pin the tail on the parent, by the end of the night the games end and deep conversation persists. But the same question is asked time and time again, with no real answer -- That is, until now.

Every Person That Exists’ Question: "What is the meaning of life?"
Every Person Sitting Around Every Person That Exists’ Reply: "I don’t know."
Your Friend The Brain: "That’s easy."

Historians, religious leaders, psychologists and cheese heads have racked their minds, studying everything from archeological artifacts to football stats attempting to understand our place on the planet we call home and yet they’ve come up with no definitive answer. Sure, they’ve speculated Meaning Of Life theories such as family or friends or to improve ourselves in God’s eyes or that there is no meaning.

But I am here to tell you there is a Meaning, my friend! I have found it. And you can find it too -- At your local IKEA.

Brace yourself while I reveal the Meaning of Life:
The Meaning Of Life is (drum roll, please) A Lay-Z-Boy.

That’s right folks, a comfortable recliner, which allows you to put your feet up and your butt down in the softest, most heavenly place your butt can be. I put all the pieces together when I was visiting my folks. My Mom has a Lay-Z-Boy that I’d be willing to drive the five hours from Chicago to Cincinnati for just a mere ten minutes in the cozy, easy-to-get-into, impossible-to-get-out-of chair that, as I see it, does it’s part to make this world a better place.

All those other theorists have it all wrong. The Meaning Of Life is Family? Yeah, think about that next time your Dad tells your friends about your underpants skid-mark problem or your daughter calls to let you know that while the car is fine she accidentally parked it at the bottom of the Ohio River. These issues, which are aggravating, are deemed moot the minute you turn on the massage feature in your deluxe Lay-Z-Boy.

The Meaning Of Life is Improving Ourselves in God’s Eyes? The joke's on you, pal, cause at this very moment God is sitting in heaven ignoring your day-to-day antics as he turns on the temperature-control mode for his LX Deluxe Lay-Z-Boy, which came with a miracle button, a punishment button, and a picture-in-picture flat screen TV remote attached to the arm.

There is NO Meaning Of Life? PAHH-LEEEASE. Tell those disbelievers to plop down in the greatest invention since the last greatest invention. With such soothing, relaxing, formfitting, adjustable comfort available, how could you NOT believe in a God or in a Meaning Of Life? There has to be some greater power looking over us to provide such an amazing device -- let me rephrase, such an amazing friend.

The Lay-Z-Boy is proof to me that there is a heaven. But if heaven lacks comfortable chairs, I don’t want to go there.

And I am putting in my order today. In fact, I’m buying two. One for me and one for Mrs. Truebro -- I still can’t look her in the face since pinning that tail on her in the nude.

A Note From The Brain: The LGB found out that Lay-Z-Boy is currently celebrating its 75th birthday. Call your closest Lay-Z-Boy representative and, with a friend, sing ‘Happy Birthday" in rounds. I promise they’ll appreciate it.