Friday, September 13, 2002

From The Brain of The Giant Head

The Meaning of Life

Sometimes late at night, when you’re hanging out with your buds (and by buds I mean one guy friend and eight girls) you find yourself playing silly games like Truth Or Dare or Twister or Pin The Tail On The Sleeping Parent. While this brings a few laughs, especially when games are combined and someone’s Dare is to run naked up the stairs and pin the tail on the parent, by the end of the night the games end and deep conversation persists. But the same question is asked time and time again, with no real answer -- That is, until now.

Every Person That Exists’ Question: "What is the meaning of life?"
Every Person Sitting Around Every Person That Exists’ Reply: "I don’t know."
Your Friend The Brain: "That’s easy."

Historians, religious leaders, psychologists and cheese heads have racked their minds, studying everything from archeological artifacts to football stats attempting to understand our place on the planet we call home and yet they’ve come up with no definitive answer. Sure, they’ve speculated Meaning Of Life theories such as family or friends or to improve ourselves in God’s eyes or that there is no meaning.

But I am here to tell you there is a Meaning, my friend! I have found it. And you can find it too -- At your local IKEA.

Brace yourself while I reveal the Meaning of Life:
The Meaning Of Life is (drum roll, please) A Lay-Z-Boy.

That’s right folks, a comfortable recliner, which allows you to put your feet up and your butt down in the softest, most heavenly place your butt can be. I put all the pieces together when I was visiting my folks. My Mom has a Lay-Z-Boy that I’d be willing to drive the five hours from Chicago to Cincinnati for just a mere ten minutes in the cozy, easy-to-get-into, impossible-to-get-out-of chair that, as I see it, does it’s part to make this world a better place.

All those other theorists have it all wrong. The Meaning Of Life is Family? Yeah, think about that next time your Dad tells your friends about your underpants skid-mark problem or your daughter calls to let you know that while the car is fine she accidentally parked it at the bottom of the Ohio River. These issues, which are aggravating, are deemed moot the minute you turn on the massage feature in your deluxe Lay-Z-Boy.

The Meaning Of Life is Improving Ourselves in God’s Eyes? The joke's on you, pal, cause at this very moment God is sitting in heaven ignoring your day-to-day antics as he turns on the temperature-control mode for his LX Deluxe Lay-Z-Boy, which came with a miracle button, a punishment button, and a picture-in-picture flat screen TV remote attached to the arm.

There is NO Meaning Of Life? PAHH-LEEEASE. Tell those disbelievers to plop down in the greatest invention since the last greatest invention. With such soothing, relaxing, formfitting, adjustable comfort available, how could you NOT believe in a God or in a Meaning Of Life? There has to be some greater power looking over us to provide such an amazing device -- let me rephrase, such an amazing friend.

The Lay-Z-Boy is proof to me that there is a heaven. But if heaven lacks comfortable chairs, I don’t want to go there.

And I am putting in my order today. In fact, I’m buying two. One for me and one for Mrs. Truebro -- I still can’t look her in the face since pinning that tail on her in the nude.

A Note From The Brain: The LGB found out that Lay-Z-Boy is currently celebrating its 75th birthday. Call your closest Lay-Z-Boy representative and, with a friend, sing ‘Happy Birthday" in rounds. I promise they’ll appreciate it.