Posted 4:21 PM by Brian K

From The Brain of The Giant Head

Merry Christmas To All,
And To All A Good Night

As this year winds down to the great Christmas time
Unfortunately for you, I feel obliged to speak in rhyme.
The lights are all up, around the house filled with glee
But still no sign of foot rubs from the mean LGB.
I’d really like to decorate, but I don't think I will
Cause I'm lazy and tired and feel kind of ill
And dragging a tree up three flights of stairs
Sounds about as much fun as clipping nose hairs.
So I packed up the car and was ready to go
Only 8 hours of traffic out of Chi-ca-go.
I started my shopping a lot later than planned
So I hope the LGB appreciates her new rubber band
My sister will be happy she bought me that sweater.
When I give her a cold and an accompanying letter.
My parents will get the best gift of all
As I promise to cut the grass at least once next fall.
So we’ll travel to Grandma’s for a big Christmas feast
And gossip about which relative that we like the least.
Then we’ll pull up a chair and sit with great poise
Belting out songs and carols that sound more like noise.
My family starts singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
But you know we’re all thinking, "I can’t wait to leave here."
Cause Santa is coming and if I don’t get to bed quick
He won’t stop by my house and I’ll be really ticked.
Last year we were late and when I glanced under the tree
No presents were found, all we found was Elf pee.
So this year instead of leaving Santa cookies and milk
I left him some vodka and magazines filled with filth.
And just as I caught him in a compromising position
My camera went click and he changed his disposition.
"Little Brian," he said, acting sweeter than pie
"Please give me that picture or I’ll give you a black-eye."
"Mr. Santa," I said, "Or should I call you St. Nick."
"First house train your elves and your reindeer, you prick."
"Your sack has an Xbox, you should leave it, I gather"
"Or this Pic will end up in the lap of Dan Rather."
After hours of whining and lots of complaining,
He sat in a chair and started contemplating.
He reached round his back and gave me my loot
So I tossed him the photo and grabbed his red suit.
Then I shoved his fat ass through my door which was leaner
And I said "Merry Christmas" as I gave him the finger.
He glanced at me once and then spit in my yard
And said "Next year all you get is a pink unitard."
Another year washes up and goes down the drain.
From Buddha, The Wise One, The Guru, The Brain
Give a shout out to your dad and one to your mom
Merry Christmas from all here at WillYee.com.

Posted 9:25 AM by Brian K

From The Brain of The Giant Head

Don’t Sue McDonald’s, Chubby

Big Macs...mmmm. BK Whoppers...mmmm. Meat on a stick...mmmm. I’ve always been a big fan of greasy, fattening foods, especially from finer establishments like McDonalds, Wendy’s and Taco Bell. The food is served fast and costs less than an average paperclip. And with a Drive-Thru ordering station, the only effort on your part is to pull out the change from under your car seat.

When I was younger my Dad taught me the four basic food groups:

1) Fried Meat
2) Grilled Meat
3) Fast Food Meat
4) Doritos

As you can see, three of the four groups have meat in them and the fourth one might, but it has yet to be confirmed. I once asked a vegetarian if she could eat Doritos and she said "No," so I have my suspicions about the Nacho Cheese. I’ve never understood the ways of a vegetarian, because from my understanding if you’re a vegetarian you can’t eat meat. And I eat meat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, post dinner snack and dessert. But then again, I never understood geometry either and I’ve successfully lived without it for 8 years now, so I just assume there are some things even my brain can’t comprehend.

The other day, while I was sitting inside Burger King’s dinning area, sucking down a double bacon cheeseburger with a Super-Duper-Jumbo-Colossal-Nascar collector’s cup drink that could hold the state of North Dakota if needed, I came across this news story in the local newspaper:

"Lawsuit claims McDonald's burgers and fries are making kids fat."

My initial reaction was "No Shit?" My second reaction was to march right up to the counter, grab the nearest cashier and ask her to refill my drink because I was thirsty and no matter how big they make those cups I seem to finish them in just under 7.3 seconds. After lugging the 842oz. cup back to my seat, I read more about the story.

According to the AP (All-knowing People), a group of lawyers filed a class-action lawsuit against McDonald’s on behalf of New York children who "have suffered health problems including diabetes, high blood pressure and obesity." The lawyers went as far as calling it a "national epidemic."

Now, even if I weren’t a genius, I would think every bumbling idiot in the country, including Ted Nugent, knows that fast food isn’t healthy. Just like in grade school, anything marked "Grade D" isn’t exactly of high quality. But at least you won’t get spanked for bringing a Big Mac home.

I laughed years ago when Ronald McDonald and company paid out the Hamburgler to that old lady who poured coffee on her lap. I chuckle hard every time I cruise through the Drive-Thru window and notice the Hot-Coffee warning sticker. But my heart, including its four clogged arteries, goes out to McDonald’s on this one. Those who know me know I love to blame big corporations for everything. To this day I believe that the Bay of Pigs Invasion was actually orchestrated by Microsoft, but suing a fast food restaurant for a child’s round figure is like suing a cow for smelling bad.

I like my Big Macs greasy. I like knowing that I can get it in less than 30 seconds. And I like watching Toby McGuire in Spiderman 4 times a day. Does that mean I should blame McDonalds every time he falls off his Spidey-Web? Of course not.

McDonald’s shouldn’t be paying these kids because they can’t fit through the turnstile at Yankee Stadium. They should paying me back for every time they gave me McNuggets when I ordered Big Macs.

And now every time I see a small child go into Micky-Ds, there’s only one thing I’ll ever be able to think about: I bet vegetarians are glad there’s no meat in beer.

Posted 9:51 AM by Brian K

From The Brain of the Giant Head

Get Yourself "Boxed" In By SwissFarlo

Once upon a time, many moons ago, I was the frontman and guitarist for the now infamous band, Optimus Prime. We were the punk rockers you’d love to love and love to hate and love to see on MTV one day, but that day never came. Why? Well, much like other famous rock bands that broke up over drugs, egos, and money, we too had a problem that was insolvable at the time. We all left for college. (See VH1’s Behind the Music: Optimus Prime.)

I miss the days of playing loud and the cops knocking on our door. I miss kicking over amps and smashing things just because we could. I miss the Authority Guru’s (and our drummer Aaron’s) Mom’s brownies she made for us after band practice. I always assumed we’d eventually become the most famous rock band to ever emerge out of the greater Cincinnati area, but since we are on an extended hiatus, I’ve found another band that could steal the title.

The other day I received the gift of a CD by a Cincinnati band named SwissFarlo. Now, for the record, I should note that the lead guitarist and singer is a friend of mine named My Cousin’s Boyfriend Tim. He doesn’t look like your typical rockstar and his sideburns are longer than a Pink Floyd album, but he’s clever and witty and shares a love for comfortable chairs with me. The rest of the band’s lineup includes Matt, Andy and Mike, a few guys also from the rough side of the city known as The Westside.

So, of course I was hesitant to pop SwissFarlo’s debut CD, "Boxed," in my Discman because, as you all know, I’m a Nazi about my musical taste and have standards higher than God. I believe 95% of music is garbage, 3% is acceptable for elevators, and the final 2% is good enough to hold a place on my wall of CDs. I’ve been known to bash my friends’ bands before cause I’m too honest to lie, so it took me quite a few days before I finally decided to listen to their album.

Much to my surprise, the musical beats and guitar strums were catchy. They were the kind of riffs you find yourself humming on the drive home from work or in the shower or on the toilet. You can’t get them out of your head, much like Hanson’s Mm’Bop. But unlike Hanson, SwissFarlo’s lyrics are fairly entertaining and the band has talent with an Elvis Costello feel to them.

On the first song, "Oh No," the inaugural line from the band is: "Well are you smiling? Oh No." I would have to disagree, as I would say "Oh Yes." But that was because I found a gas station selling its fuel for just over a buck a gallon which, if you lived in Chicago and saw that, you’d be smiling too. The song was pretty good as well.

Another tune on the album that caught my ear off-guard was track number 6, called "Roman Candle." It’s slowed tempo and revered refrain of chanting, "I’m not gonna fade away, I’m not gonna fade away," is so self-indulging and introspective that it’s the most punk rock song I’ve heard in the past 3 years. Of course, every other band I’ve heard sounds like Creed or Winger, so I’m not sure if my statement above is such a major compliment, but if they continue to do what they are doing they can prove themselves as a really good, if not great rock band. From my understanding, they’re already becoming a staple in some local Cincinnati bars, like Top Cats and the Comet.

I figured I should get someone else’s opinion before giving my final recommendation, so I called musical sage Death Metal Fan to my rescue. Now, Death Metal Fan doesn’t just rely on his own musical judgement to decide how good an album is. He recruits his dog, aptly named "James Hetfield," and locks "James" in the room with us as we sit back, have a few beers and listen to the SwissFarlo CD. Apparently, if the dog likes the tunes, it relaxes him and he poops on the floor. Now I know what you are thinking -- will Dave Mustaine ever leave Megadeth and rejoin Metallica? While I don’t have the answer to that, I do have an answer to the unorthodox dog test.

That dog let loose, leaving 5 piles of dung on the oakwood, which Death Metal Fan told me was equivalent to a 5 star rating. So, ultimately, I got the second opinion I needed and I can highly recommend this CD and so does "James."

He thinks it’s "The Shit."

In all seriousness, this CD is good. Real good. And I recommend you check out SwissFarlo’s Web site, www.datawaslost.net/swissfarlo, and buy their album "Boxed." It’s cheap (only $9, I think). It’s enjoyable. And it’d make a good Christmas present for that sibling of yours that you want to smack around for listening to EMO. Plus, when they get big you can say, "I was one of the first to own SwissFarlo’s Boxed."

And who knows, they could be opening for Optimus Prime’s reunion tour in 2004. (Negotiations are still in the works.)