Friday, December 13, 2002

From The Brain of The Giant Head

Don’t Sue McDonald’s, Chubby

Big Macs...mmmm. BK Whoppers...mmmm. Meat on a stick...mmmm. I’ve always been a big fan of greasy, fattening foods, especially from finer establishments like McDonalds, Wendy’s and Taco Bell. The food is served fast and costs less than an average paperclip. And with a Drive-Thru ordering station, the only effort on your part is to pull out the change from under your car seat.

When I was younger my Dad taught me the four basic food groups:

1) Fried Meat
2) Grilled Meat
3) Fast Food Meat
4) Doritos

As you can see, three of the four groups have meat in them and the fourth one might, but it has yet to be confirmed. I once asked a vegetarian if she could eat Doritos and she said "No," so I have my suspicions about the Nacho Cheese. I’ve never understood the ways of a vegetarian, because from my understanding if you’re a vegetarian you can’t eat meat. And I eat meat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, post dinner snack and dessert. But then again, I never understood geometry either and I’ve successfully lived without it for 8 years now, so I just assume there are some things even my brain can’t comprehend.

The other day, while I was sitting inside Burger King’s dinning area, sucking down a double bacon cheeseburger with a Super-Duper-Jumbo-Colossal-Nascar collector’s cup drink that could hold the state of North Dakota if needed, I came across this news story in the local newspaper:

"Lawsuit claims McDonald's burgers and fries are making kids fat."

My initial reaction was "No Shit?" My second reaction was to march right up to the counter, grab the nearest cashier and ask her to refill my drink because I was thirsty and no matter how big they make those cups I seem to finish them in just under 7.3 seconds. After lugging the 842oz. cup back to my seat, I read more about the story.

According to the AP (All-knowing People), a group of lawyers filed a class-action lawsuit against McDonald’s on behalf of New York children who "have suffered health problems including diabetes, high blood pressure and obesity." The lawyers went as far as calling it a "national epidemic."

Now, even if I weren’t a genius, I would think every bumbling idiot in the country, including Ted Nugent, knows that fast food isn’t healthy. Just like in grade school, anything marked "Grade D" isn’t exactly of high quality. But at least you won’t get spanked for bringing a Big Mac home.

I laughed years ago when Ronald McDonald and company paid out the Hamburgler to that old lady who poured coffee on her lap. I chuckle hard every time I cruise through the Drive-Thru window and notice the Hot-Coffee warning sticker. But my heart, including its four clogged arteries, goes out to McDonald’s on this one. Those who know me know I love to blame big corporations for everything. To this day I believe that the Bay of Pigs Invasion was actually orchestrated by Microsoft, but suing a fast food restaurant for a child’s round figure is like suing a cow for smelling bad.

I like my Big Macs greasy. I like knowing that I can get it in less than 30 seconds. And I like watching Toby McGuire in Spiderman 4 times a day. Does that mean I should blame McDonalds every time he falls off his Spidey-Web? Of course not.

McDonald’s shouldn’t be paying these kids because they can’t fit through the turnstile at Yankee Stadium. They should paying me back for every time they gave me McNuggets when I ordered Big Macs.

And now every time I see a small child go into Micky-Ds, there’s only one thing I’ll ever be able to think about: I bet vegetarians are glad there’s no meat in beer.