by Brian Klems
From The Brain of The Giant Head
Merry Christmas To All,
And To All A Good Night
As this year winds down to the great Christmas time
Unfortunately for you, I feel obliged to speak in rhyme.
The lights are all up, around the house filled with glee
But still no sign of foot rubs from the mean LGB.
I’d really like to decorate, but I don't think I will
Cause I'm lazy and tired and feel kind of ill
And dragging a tree up three flights of stairs
Sounds about as much fun as clipping nose hairs.
So I packed up the car and was ready to go
Only 8 hours of traffic out of Chi-ca-go.
I started my shopping a lot later than planned
So I hope the LGB appreciates her new rubber band
My sister will be happy she bought me that sweater.
When I give her a cold and an accompanying letter.
My parents will get the best gift of all
As I promise to cut the grass at least once next fall.
So we’ll travel to Grandma’s for a big Christmas feast
And gossip about which relative that we like the least.
Then we’ll pull up a chair and sit with great poise
Belting out songs and carols that sound more like noise.
My family starts singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
But you know we’re all thinking, "I can’t wait to leave here."
Cause Santa is coming and if I don’t get to bed quick
He won’t stop by my house and I’ll be really ticked.
Last year we were late and when I glanced under the tree
No presents were found, all we found was Elf pee.
So this year instead of leaving Santa cookies and milk
I left him some vodka and magazines filled with filth.
And just as I caught him in a compromising position
My camera went click and he changed his disposition.
"Little Brian," he said, acting sweeter than pie
"Please give me that picture or I’ll give you a black-eye."
"Mr. Santa," I said, "Or should I call you St. Nick."
"First house train your elves and your reindeer, you prick."
"Your sack has an Xbox, you should leave it, I gather"
"Or this Pic will end up in the lap of Dan Rather."
After hours of whining and lots of complaining,
He sat in a chair and started contemplating.
He reached round his back and gave me my loot
So I tossed him the photo and grabbed his red suit.
Then I shoved his fat ass through my door which was leaner
And I said "Merry Christmas" as I gave him the finger.
He glanced at me once and then spit in my yard
And said "Next year all you get is a pink unitard."
Another year washes up and goes down the drain.
From Buddha, The Wise One, The Guru, The Brain
Give a shout out to your dad and one to your mom
Merry Christmas from all here at WillYee.com.