Friday, May 16, 2003


From The Brain of The Giant Head

And Now, The Finalists ...

There was an overwhelming response to my "Theme Song" contest, and I’d like to thank everyone that participated. Your suggestions made my day. I got so many, in fact, that I had extended the contest an extra week. And, out of the thousands of song ideas I received, I am going to list all my favorites below for consideration (With some of my thoughts below each response). The winner should be announced sometime next week. Here were your "Theme Songs For The Brain" ideas and thoughts (in no particular order):

Hey Wise One, Where did you find this guy, The Brain? How about "The Joker" by Steve Miller Band?
-- Brian Imhausen
Brain’s Thoughts: In a trash can down by the river.

The first song that came to mind was the theme song from "Pinky and the Brain". Of course, if you don't plan to take over the world, this might not work and who would be Pinky. An obvious song, which you might not want to remember is "Indiana Wants Me", but then you couldn't go back there and how would you get home (Cincinnati). But this song leads to the Mellencamp tune of "I Fought Authority And Authority Always Wins".
-- Doug Westerman
Brain’s Thoughts: The Wise One could be my Pinky ... Indiana already hates me.

Dr. Feelgood. . .Come on, that theme song always implies that you have some skills.
-- Meghan Holohan
Brain’s Thoughts: I do have lots of skills...and I you KNOW I always feel good. Except when sitting on hours of endless traffic.

WHAT A) WONDERFUL WORLD by Cooke/Alpert/Adle. "Don't know much about history/Don't know much biology/Don't know much about science books/Don't know much about the French I took/But I do know that I love you/And I know that if you loved me too/What a wonderful world this would be"
-- Kelly Delaney
Brain’s Thoughts: Either she thinks I’m really stupid or has a big crush on me. Can’t say I blame her. ;-)

How about "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls? It was even co-written by Paul Schaffer. It's perfect for you.
-- Kevin Dick
Brain’s Thoughts: Did you know your girlfriend has a crush on me?

Everyone that knows The Brain as well as I do knows that the brain is merely a puppet of the LGB. She controls everything he does, as he has admitted his valentine's day debacle in his column to all of his large fan base of seven people that don't have anything better to do with their time. So that would make your theme song, "Tell me all your thoughts on God (cause I’d really like to meet her)." I'm not sure if that is the correct title, but I know you know the song. That or "Mary had a little lamb." I think that could be a great theme song for you. brian had a little brain/ little brain/ little brain/brian had a little brain/you don't know what he knows.
-- Jim Huth
Brain’s Thoughts: I am a puppet to no one! Please disregard the box of tampons in the trunk of my car.

Right now I'm thinking the Theme to the Greatest American Hero. "Believe it or not, I'm walking on air..." Good song.
-- J-ZO
Brain’s Thoughts: I emulated him as a young chap. What ever happened to that guy anyway?

What about that Jump song by KrissKross. It seemed to be a theme for you. Or any Green Day song. Or Take Me Out To The Ball Game Or They're All Here for B-Rod. Have you heard that one? Or WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS! (in reference to Bo 2003, not the Reds). Any of those should do.
-- Joe Ursitti
Brain’s Thoughts: Mr. Ursitti is unfortunately suffering from Reds envy...but being the wonderful person that I am I don’t hold it against him.

I think your theme song shall be "What if God was one of us" ... what if you are God, Brain? And you’re one of us. Or maybe since you - like any other super hero would be in average clothes and Brian by day...however when out saving the world "what if Brain is one of us?/Just a slob like one of us?/ Just a stranger on the L?/Just trying to make his way to the LGB..."
-- Melanie Tracy
Brain’s Thoughts: Someone finally gives me the respect I am due. Bonus points for Mel.

This was the first thing to pop into my head. Might be a little too obvious but it’s Cypress Hill: "Insane In The Brain."
-- Derek Eversmann
Brain’s Thoughts: That was obvious...why the hell didn’t I think of that? Great tune.

I was thinking since you have no special talents as you pointed out ... how do you feel about that Beck song "Loser" ... just a thought.
-- Jennie Klems
Brain’s Thoughts: I have always been my sister’s hero.

"Loser" by GET A LIFE!!! ... It’s scary to think that one day I may be related to this kid. LGB, he’s thinking about men in tights!?!
-- Dale Silver
Brain’s Thoughts: Take some notes from your niece Mel.

This is it. I am certain it will win. The lyrics are perfect, and border on pompous. Hilarious and perfect for a confident super-hero. Plus, it's obscure and not everyone will have heard it, so it will be yours. Chesney Hawks - The One And Only ... I think it was on the Doc Hollywood soundtrack
-- Evan Dawson
Brain’s Thoughts: I didn’t even know Doc Hollywood had a soundtrack. I don’t think I’m pompous, just awesome.

I have the perfect theme song for you: "My Buddy" How is that for a good one! Or am I the only one who thinks it is perfect for you? "Nights are long since you went away/ I think about you all through the day/ my Buddy/ my Buddy/ no buddy quite so true." This was written by Gus Kahn whom I'm sure you never heard of, but he was a famous lyricist. I think it might have been written about a soldier off to war.
-- Marlene Nesi
Brain’s Thoughts: I do kinda look like My Buddy, the doll. More importantly, what ever happened to the name "Gus?" I think I will use that on my first-born.

How about Billy Ocean's "Caribbean Queen" or "Get outta by dreams (get into my car)." Just a thought.
-- Anthony Zembrodt
Brain’s Thoughts: I am no Caribbean Queen ... Though I know some of the Wise One’s photos may say otherwise.

Bad/Fat, by Mike Jackson...whichever version you choose is fine by me. Or "Ice Ice Baby"... or "Under Pressure," I guess the "ting" won't make that big of a difference. "What would Brian Boitano do?," by the kids of South Park. Or, the ever obvious..."Asshole," by Denis Leary.
-- The LGB
Brain’s Thoughts: The LGB has been disqualified for not rubbing my feet on demand. That’ll learn her.

Well, here are all the nominees. Feel free to email me and comment on all the choices and check back in next week as I pick "The Undiscovered Genius of the Month" and have the lyrics to what will forever be known as "The Theme Song of The Brain." Thanks again to everyone for your participation.


Friday, May 02, 2003


From The Brain of The Giant Head

I Need a Theme Song

I love superheroes. From Spider-Man to Superman to Bubbles the Power Puff Girl, they all have a special place in my heart and always led me to the deep dark question every human has wanted to know, "Why do all superheroes wear tights."

Ever since I wore a younger Brain’s clothes, I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. Running rampant throughout the house, wearing any blanket or quilt or towel I could find as a cape and using wrapping paper cardboard rolls as swords, I’d defeat the evil empire known as The Vicious Triclops, who just happened to look very similar to Rainbow, the cuddly Care Bear. Just because I’m pushing the ripe age of 24, doesn’t mean I no longer have those ambitions -- now it’s just more embarrassing to run around naked with a towel hanging from my neck.

And I’ve tried everything to become a superhero. I let myself get bit by a spider. The only superpower that gave me was the ability to pass out at the first sign of blood. This hasn’t come in handy yet, but I’m sure that eventually a situation will arise when some evil is going on and they will need someone to pass out. I can be that guy.

But I can’t be "Pass Out-Man." I mean, that just doesn’t sound cool. I need a cool name, like "Viper-Man" or "Panther-Man" or "Philip." But since I’m not tough enough to have any of those names, I’ll stick with "The Brain-Man" for now.

So I continued forward in my quest to become a superhero. I tried placing a call to Batman, but apparently he has an unlisted number. So I called the operator:

Operator: How may I direct your call?
The Brain: Can you please connect me to the Batcave.
Operator: The Bat-what?
The Brain: The Batcave.
Operator: Is that in South Dakota?
The Brain: No, it’s in Gothem City.
Operator: I have no listing for the "Batcave." And sir, Batman is a fictional character.
The Brain: Maybe the number is under Bruce Wayne?
Operator: Have a good day sir.
(Click)

Now I’ve tried to go through the metamorphosis to become a superhero, but that didn’t work. I even tried to seek council on the subject from one of the most esteemed fighters of evildoers around, but I had operator problems. And after an eternity of brainstorming, eating donuts and staring blankly at the wall, I finally got it. I finally figured it out. I now know what I need to do.

So, in an effort to grant myself superhero immortality I have decided to do what every great superhero before me has done -- get my own theme song.

Oh sure, I can’t jump large buildings in a single bound or climb walls with stealth or even find my missing left shoe for that matter, but I can create the occasional play on words. And I’m old enough to buy beer. Those talents combined, I think, are enough criteria to warrant my own personal theme song. I mean come on, Spider-man has one. The Greatest American Hero has one. Gilligan has one. Those are all great men with great songs, and I need one so I too can be a great man.

The question is: What kind of theme song suits me?

But that is not a job for me, my good friend. That is a job for you! I need a theme song and I need you to send me ideas. That’s right, I want you to pick a song, any song you want, and email me fozzie007@yahoo.com. Pick a song that you think suits me best. If you want to submit "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers, do it. If you want to submit "A Boy Named Sue," by Johnny Cash, do it. In fact, I’ll take the best suggestions and rewrite the lyrics (keeping them true to the song) in a future column so they fit me and my legendary status, and then I’ll let everyone vote on them. The winning entry will be my theme song FOREVER, and the person that submits the song will be dubbed "Undiscovered Genius of the Month." The winner will also get a prize, though it’s a surprise. So send in the suggestions please. It’ll only take two seconds of your time. I have a birthday coming up and I only want one thing for it. I beg of you.
I NEED A THEME SONG!
Click here to email: fozzie007@yahoo.com.


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