Friday, May 02, 2003

From The Brain of The Giant Head

I Need a Theme Song

I love superheroes. From Spider-Man to Superman to Bubbles the Power Puff Girl, they all have a special place in my heart and always led me to the deep dark question every human has wanted to know, "Why do all superheroes wear tights."

Ever since I wore a younger Brain’s clothes, I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. Running rampant throughout the house, wearing any blanket or quilt or towel I could find as a cape and using wrapping paper cardboard rolls as swords, I’d defeat the evil empire known as The Vicious Triclops, who just happened to look very similar to Rainbow, the cuddly Care Bear. Just because I’m pushing the ripe age of 24, doesn’t mean I no longer have those ambitions -- now it’s just more embarrassing to run around naked with a towel hanging from my neck.

And I’ve tried everything to become a superhero. I let myself get bit by a spider. The only superpower that gave me was the ability to pass out at the first sign of blood. This hasn’t come in handy yet, but I’m sure that eventually a situation will arise when some evil is going on and they will need someone to pass out. I can be that guy.

But I can’t be "Pass Out-Man." I mean, that just doesn’t sound cool. I need a cool name, like "Viper-Man" or "Panther-Man" or "Philip." But since I’m not tough enough to have any of those names, I’ll stick with "The Brain-Man" for now.

So I continued forward in my quest to become a superhero. I tried placing a call to Batman, but apparently he has an unlisted number. So I called the operator:

Operator: How may I direct your call?
The Brain: Can you please connect me to the Batcave.
Operator: The Bat-what?
The Brain: The Batcave.
Operator: Is that in South Dakota?
The Brain: No, it’s in Gothem City.
Operator: I have no listing for the "Batcave." And sir, Batman is a fictional character.
The Brain: Maybe the number is under Bruce Wayne?
Operator: Have a good day sir.

Now I’ve tried to go through the metamorphosis to become a superhero, but that didn’t work. I even tried to seek council on the subject from one of the most esteemed fighters of evildoers around, but I had operator problems. And after an eternity of brainstorming, eating donuts and staring blankly at the wall, I finally got it. I finally figured it out. I now know what I need to do.

So, in an effort to grant myself superhero immortality I have decided to do what every great superhero before me has done -- get my own theme song.

Oh sure, I can’t jump large buildings in a single bound or climb walls with stealth or even find my missing left shoe for that matter, but I can create the occasional play on words. And I’m old enough to buy beer. Those talents combined, I think, are enough criteria to warrant my own personal theme song. I mean come on, Spider-man has one. The Greatest American Hero has one. Gilligan has one. Those are all great men with great songs, and I need one so I too can be a great man.

The question is: What kind of theme song suits me?

But that is not a job for me, my good friend. That is a job for you! I need a theme song and I need you to send me ideas. That’s right, I want you to pick a song, any song you want, and email me Pick a song that you think suits me best. If you want to submit "The Gambler," by Kenny Rogers, do it. If you want to submit "A Boy Named Sue," by Johnny Cash, do it. In fact, I’ll take the best suggestions and rewrite the lyrics (keeping them true to the song) in a future column so they fit me and my legendary status, and then I’ll let everyone vote on them. The winning entry will be my theme song FOREVER, and the person that submits the song will be dubbed "Undiscovered Genius of the Month." The winner will also get a prize, though it’s a surprise. So send in the suggestions please. It’ll only take two seconds of your time. I have a birthday coming up and I only want one thing for it. I beg of you.
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