Thursday, July 21, 2005

From The Brain of the Giant Head

100 Better Movie Quotes

I, like many in my generation (the generation of Cabbage Patch Kids), spend many nights holding deep conversations with my friends. We generally talk about important issues such as nuclear war, global warming and Brad Pitt. But no matter what we talk about, there is always one very common theme—we constantly quote movie lines in our arguments.

So, of course, I was super excited when the American Film Institute put together a list of the top 100 movie quotes of all time. After reading the list, I came to the conclusion, like many of you probably did, that it was created by two chimpanzees, a donkey and a paper towel. I mean, how could they include lines from such forgettable movies as Apollo 13 and Beyond The Forest?

In an attempt to rectify things (huh, huh, I said "rectify"), the brain trust at has put together the Top 100 Better Movie Quotes. It’s starts with number 100 so there’s some suspense when you reach number one. We tried not to have too many quotes from the same movie, but some deserved two or three spots. Enjoy. presents:
The Top 100 Better Movie Quotes

100. "This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather."
—Groundhog Day

99. "Honey you think KFC's still open? "
—Old School

98. "Oops... slippery little suckers."
—Pretty Woman

97. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist"
—The Usual Suspects

96. "You still got two out of three branches of the government working and that ain't bad!"
—Mars Attacks

95. "Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going."
—There's Something About Mary

94. "I am thinking she is a virgin. Or at least she used to be."
—Short Circuit

93. "But the store owner and his son - that's a different story. We had the beat them to death with their own shoes."
—Wayne's World II

92. "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
—Christmas Vacation

91. "You know what else everybody loves? Parfaits. You ever ask somebody if they like parfaits and they say hell no I don't want no parfaits?"

90. "Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. "
—The Breakfast Club

89. "How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind."
—Napoleon Dynamite

88. "My mama says that I can't talk to you, you're the Devil"
—The WaterBoy

87. "He done R-U-N-D'ed off."
—Oh Brother Where Art Thou

86. "MMmmmm ... this IS a tasty burger!"
—Pulp Fiction

85. "And may I remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!"

84. "I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me."
"He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that."
"No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man."
—Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

83. "I'm a professional killer."
"Do you have to do post-graduate work for that?"
—Gross Pointe Blank

82. "Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?"
—Uncle Buck

81. "Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?"
—Reservoir Dogs

80. "Doug! I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth."
"It's called a French kiss."
"But I thought you were from Nebraska!"
—The Brady Bunch Movie

79. "It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around."
—Billy Madison

78. "It's a pterodactyl egg. It's fossilized. It's ninety million years old. In the entire world, only two of these have ever been found."
"You know, that may be worth something"
—Who’s Harry Crumb

77. "I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to."
—Napoleon Dynamite

76. "Would you like a nightcap?"
"No thank you, I don't wear them."
—Naked Gun

75. "I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me."
—Ghost Busters

74. "You can milk just about anything with nipples."
"I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?"
—Meet the Parents

73. "Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!"
—Robin Hood: Men in Tights

72. "I became..."
"You can read minds?"

71. "According to the map we've only gone 4 inches."
—Dumb and Dumber

70. "He's a giant knobhead with no knob."
—Bridget Jones

69. "Hi Curly. Killed anyone today?"
"The day ain't over yet..."
—City Slickers

68. "Dong (clap clap) Dong...where is grandpa's automobile?"
"Oto-mo-biiile?? (sounds of car crashing) Lake...Big Lake..."
—Sixteen Candles

67. "Does your dog bite?"
"Nice doggie."
"I thought you said your dog did not bite!"
"That is not my dog."
—The Pink Panther Strikes Again

66. "Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you got to believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they made me horny, on Saturday morning... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to be Betty's Barney. Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love."
—So I Married An Axe Murderer

65. "That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously."
—Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

64. "Don't water the plants, they're plastic!"
—Best In Show

63. "Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot."

62. "Inconceivable!! ..."
"I do not think that word means what you think it means."
—Princess Bride

61. "A gun rack ... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?"
—Wayne’s World

60. "1.21 jigawatts? 1.21 jigawatts? Great Scott!"
—Back to the Future

59. "I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend."

58. "That old fart. He's got the best lawn on the block. And you know why? Because he trains his dog to crap in my yard."
—The ‘burbs

57. "That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E."
—Team America, World Police

56. "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast."
"You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?"
"No... I..."
—Happy Gilmore

55. "The U.S. didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!"
—A Fish Called Wanda

54. "Come on, come on. We have so much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it."
—Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

53. "They’re not waving at you. They’re waving at "Weird" Al."
—The Naked Gun

52. "I was hired to kill you. But I'm not going to. It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or I have a newfound respect for life."
—Gross Pointe Blank

51. "If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer"
—Ace Ventura

50. Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!
—Army of Darkness

49. "Wise man say: forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."
—Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

48. "You have the whitest white-part-of-the-eyes I've ever seen. Do you floss?"
—Hot Shots

47. "Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual."

46. "Did you hear I graduated?"
"Yeah and just a shade under a decade too, all right."
"You know a lot of people go to college for seven years."
"I know, they're called doctors."
—Tommy Boy

45. "I bet you thought I didn't even know what a eugoogoly was."

44. "I dunno, Benjamin, this idea sounds kind of half-baked."
"No, sir, it's completely baked."
—The Graduate

43. "Our government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions!"
—South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

42. "They were giving me 10,000 volts a day, but I'm hot to trot. The next woman that takes me on is going to light up like pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars!"
—One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

41. "Don’t F*ck with the babysitter."
—Adventures In Babysitting

40. "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."
—Napoleon Dynamite

39. "I've been stabbed, shocked, poisoned, frozen, hung, electrocuted, and burned."
—Groundhog Day

38. "You know what??? There IS no Easter Bunny. Over there that’s just a guy in a suit!"

37. "Those aren’t two pillows!"
—Planes, Trains and Automobiles

36. "No sir, I did not see you playing with your dolls again."

35. "We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"
—Dumb and Dumber

34. "The first rule of Fight Club is - you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is - you DO NOT talk about Fight Club."
—Fight Club

33. "You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!"
—Johnny Dangerously

32. "What's a’happenin' hot stuff?"
—Sixteen Candles

31. "I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do."

30. "You know Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons."
—Princess Bride

29. "I crap bigger than you!"
—City Slickers

28. "Do or do not. There is no try."
—The Empire Strikes Back

27. "Are you saying that Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?"
—Major League

26. "It's Dr. Evil. I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much."
—Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

25. "Oh, dear god, thank you, you are such a good god to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating god, and we thank you oh sweet, sweet lord of hosts for the smorgasbord you have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear lord three things we pray to love thee more dearly, to see thee more clearly, to follow thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen."
—Meet the Parents

24. "I grabbed him by his big fat head and say, ‘Listen, man, I’m not going to jail for YOU or ANYBODY!"
—Wayne’s World

23. "Honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road."
"Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world."
"Clark, watch your language! "
"Make that the second biggest."
—National Lampoon’s Vacation

22. "Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? Rock: r-o-k?"
"Yeah, so what's your point?"
"Ohhh yeh! The ‘c’ is silent."
—Billy Madison

21. You know what the gourmet here wanted? Hotdogs! You know what they're made of, Chet? Huh? Lips and assholes!"
—The Great Outdoors

20. "Hey James Bond. In America we drive on the RIGHT side of the road."
"I am, you try driving in platforms."

19. "How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? … See you in the car."
—Uncle Buck

18. "Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick! I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! … He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow."
—So I Married An Axe Murderer

17. "Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need … roads."
—Back To The Future

16. "I'm thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics. If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh. Oh."
—Office Space

15. "You're so money and you don't even know it!"

14. "These go to eleven."
—This is Spinal Tap

13. "That's what I love about these high school girls man, I get older, they stay the same age."
—Dazed and Confused

12. "Stop rhyming and I mean it ... anybody want a peanut?"
—Princess Bride

11. "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this … That John Denver is full of shit."
—Dumb and Dumber

—The Goonies

9. "Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now."
—National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

8. "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his waredrobe?"
—Breakfast Club

7. "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."
—Say Anything

6. "Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together—mass hysteria."
—Ghost Busters

5. "It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it."
—Blues Brothers

4. "Over? Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell No!"
—Animal House

3. "I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries."
—Monty Python and The Holy Grail

2. "So now you know that evil will always triumph because good is dumb"

And the number 1 movie quote of all time is:

1. "I was born a poor, black child."
—The Jerk

Thanks to the players who helped make this list possible. The folks involved in the process included: The Wise One, The Authority Guru, Buddha, The LGB, The Jypsy, Sista Mini-Me, The Witte Woman, Little Miss, Daizees74, The Chuckster and The Brain.