Friday, September 15, 2006

From the Brain of The Giant Head

Operation: Who-Dey

Here in Cincinnati we have plenty to complain about: no good form of public transportation, race-relation issues, a Banks project that won't be finished until sometime after 2078. But there is one thing—no matter your age, skin color or gender—that we can rally around: The Bengals. They're family. They're our brother. They went through that adolescent phase in the 90s where they had acne and were hard to stomach, but now they've blossomed into an adult that you enjoy to be around.

And, just when they're ready to shine, some outsider attacks them—and our home. (And no, surprisingly, it wasn't a Steelers' fan).

Elliot Kalb, sports columnist for, ranked Paul Brown Stadium, home of our beloved Bengals, the second worst stadium in all of football. SECOND WORST! That simply can't be true, can it? His review:

"The fans were so vulgar and there were such displays of drunkenness (no, fans, inebriation is not a right) that the team — to its credit — has instituted a jerk line to call out idiots who cross the line. Fans can use their cell phones to rat out their neighbors. Will it help? I'm skeptical. I realize that Cincinnati fans aren't the only ones who exhibit boorish behavior (Philly fans practically wrote the book on it). Besides those issues, however, there are things to dislike about PBS. I found it difficult to navigate in a car to a suitable lot, and to find the entrance to the stadium. Fans screaming about disrespect ("Who dey! Who dey! Who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?") is hardly worthy of great NFL chants." —>1=8595

WHAT A BUM! In his reasoning for giving the stadium such low marks, he does very little to actually review the stadium and, instead, directly attacks the fans. To make matters worse, he slams the one thing that's as sacred in this city as Opening Day: the WHO-DEY chant.


We need to show Mr. Kalb that Bengals' Nation completely disagrees with his ranking of PBS with OPERATION: WHO-DEY!. In the words of the Authority Guru: "I suggest sending him Who-Dey emails until his inbox explodes." So please join me in "WHO-DEY-ing" Mr. Kolb ( and letting him know that Bengals' Nation is number 1. No one messes with our family.


--The Brain

Friday, April 28, 2006

From The Brain of The Giant Head

My Six Things

I’ve become a fairly avid MySpace user. For all you dinosaurs out there, MySpace is an online community for young people to stay in touch with their friends and for perverts to search for underage porn. Since the LGB has somehow programmed our computer to block porn sites—even the PG-13 ones—I can only use MySpace to stay connected with my friends.

Recently I was tagged by two of my friends, Kara and Jack (you’d think I could outrun both of them, but alas … ). Getting “tagged” means that they’ve written something, generally theme-based, on their MySpace page for you to read and then you have to write and post something following that theme. When you’re finished, you tag people and so forth. It’s like a pyramid scheme of fun.

This most recent project asked me to write six weird things about myself that everyone should know. While I doubt most of you think anything I do would fall under the “normal” category, I dug deep to find some items about myself that you may not have known. And, hopefully, you’re all still willing to be my friends after reading it. Here goes:

Six Things Weird About Me, by The BraiN

1. I’m extremely antsy 100% of the time. If my leg isn’t bouncing at a clip of a gillion miles per hour, I’m usually playing with my watch, tearing a napkin into a million pieces or ripping the label off of a beer. I’ve learned my lesson with functional objects, though, as I’ve put a staple clear through my finger. Twice.

2. I drive the LGB (which used to stand for Lovely Girlfriend Brittany, but now stands for Lovely Gwife Brittany) crazy when I eat soft-dough pretzels. Apparently I always peel off the skin and eat it first. After that outer layer is gone, I squeeze the dough into a ball and eat it separately. If you don’t believe me, buy me a pretzel at the Reds game. Even if you do believe me, buy me a pretzel at the Reds game.

3a. When driving in my car, I almost always rock out—and by rock out I mean sing loudly and bounce my head (Not in the I’m-Standing-At-A-Concert-Trying-To-Look-Cool kind of way, but more in a I-Have-A-Swarm-Of-Bees-Around-My-Head-And-I’m-Trying-To-Shake-Them-Off-Cause-I’m-Scared-Shitless kind of way). One time when I was jamming at a stoplight, this little old lady tapped on my window. I rolled it down and she asked (and I am not making this up), “Are you OK?”

3b. I also sing in the shower. Weird? No. But I sing TV theme songs. And yes, I know all the words to “Family Ties,” “Growing Pains,” “Who’s The Boss,” “Mr. Belvedere” and “Diff’rent Strokes,” to name a few. “Now the world don’t move … ”

4. Several times in my life I’ve attempted to take a word, turn it into an expression that means “cool” or “awesome” and subtly slip it into conversations to see if it catches on. See the failed Poison Experiment of 2001 (“That’s so poison”). The jury is still out on “That haircut is so sweet, it’s ergonomical.”

5. I think sweater vests are very ergonomical.

6. I fought getting a cell phone until this January, and not for the typical reasons you would think—don’t want people to get in touch with me, the added monthly expense, having to be one of those guys that clips it to his belt. The truth is, I grew up a punk rock kid. And, while my street cred was all ready on the downswing due to my iTunes including the music of Fall Out Boy, New Found Glory and Hanson, there’s one rule I abided by: Punk Rockers do NOT carry cell phones. So, I’ve officially sold out. No more Mohawk. No more slam-dancing. It’s only a matter of time before I grow the dad mustache.

I encourage everyone to make a list about themselves. It’s fun and it’s a good way to laugh at yourself—and to help others laugh at yourself.

Ps- Stay tuned. You thought this was hot, wait until I write the six weird things about my lovely wife. I’m sure that will go over well.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

From The Brain of The Giant Head

NCAA Bracket Number 234 out of 235

I've never won an NCAA tournament bracket before, and, with 2006's March Madness underway, I'm proudly continuing that trend--I'm in second last place. Fun times. These how-to-fill-out-a-bracket tips will guarantee that you'll never see your entry fee again.

1. Never pick a school if you could beat up the mascot. A California Golden Bear sounds like a stuffed animal you’d spoon as a child. Now the Marquette Warriors, I wouldn't @*#$ with them.

2. If you love a school and want it to do well (like I root for the University of Cincinnati), pick them to lose in the first round. I always pick UC to make the championship game. They have yet to advance past the second round and this year they didn’t even make the tourney. I’m sure it’s my fault.

3. Always pick Duke and North Carolina to go far. Everyone else does.

4. Never pick Montana to win. There are only 17 people who live in Montana and, after careful statistical analysis, there’s no way more than 3 of them can be over 6’2.”

5. If there’s a person in your office who doesn’t know a thing about college basketball but decides to enter your pool for “poops and giggles,” cheat off of them. The less a person knows about the sport, the more likely they are to win.

6. Don’t ever pick a team whose coach wears a blazer that matches the school’s colors, particularly if it’s a blinding orange. Yes, that means YOU Tennessee. While I’m generally not one to give advice on fashion, I think I’m safe in saying that if Coach Bruce Pearl’s bright orange blazer was a disease, it’d be malaria.

7. Make sure the team you pick to win it all doesn’t play their first game until the evening. I’ve made the mistake of picking a team that played in the early afternoon and, when they lose that game—and they WILL lose that game--you’re more prone to throw things. Coworkers don’t appreciate that. (Sorry about that stapler to the head, Kelly. You’d think a scar like that would heal up after three years. Then again, I also thought Iowa State would win it all.)

8. Don’t ever pick any school from Iowa. Three years in a row I picked one to go to the final four, and three years in a row they lost in the first round. If it wasn’t for Indiana, Iowa would be my least favorite state.

9. Don’t tell people that Gonzaga is your sleeper team. Gonzaga is EVERYONE’S sleeper team. You’re better off picking them to lose in the first round, then carefully memorizing this phrase and repeating it to everyone you know, “Everyone knew Gonzaga was so overrated this year.” This will make your friends feel like eggheads.

10. When the championship game comes, don’t be too upset. Just because you’re 347 points out of first place and you have Oral Roberts vs. Winthrop in your championship game, neither of whom advanced beyond the first round, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the day. After all, Opening Day is upon you. And instead of watching your team fail in three weeks, it will be spread out over 6 long summer months.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

From The Brain of the Giant Head

100 Better Movie Quotes

I, like many in my generation (the generation of Cabbage Patch Kids), spend many nights holding deep conversations with my friends. We generally talk about important issues such as nuclear war, global warming and Brad Pitt. But no matter what we talk about, there is always one very common theme—we constantly quote movie lines in our arguments.

So, of course, I was super excited when the American Film Institute put together a list of the top 100 movie quotes of all time. After reading the list, I came to the conclusion, like many of you probably did, that it was created by two chimpanzees, a donkey and a paper towel. I mean, how could they include lines from such forgettable movies as Apollo 13 and Beyond The Forest?

In an attempt to rectify things (huh, huh, I said "rectify"), the brain trust at has put together the Top 100 Better Movie Quotes. It’s starts with number 100 so there’s some suspense when you reach number one. We tried not to have too many quotes from the same movie, but some deserved two or three spots. Enjoy. presents:
The Top 100 Better Movie Quotes

100. "This is one time where television really fails to capture the true excitement of a large squirrel predicting the weather."
—Groundhog Day

99. "Honey you think KFC's still open? "
—Old School

98. "Oops... slippery little suckers."
—Pretty Woman

97. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist"
—The Usual Suspects

96. "You still got two out of three branches of the government working and that ain't bad!"
—Mars Attacks

95. "Those goofy bastards are about the best thing I've got going."
—There's Something About Mary

94. "I am thinking she is a virgin. Or at least she used to be."
—Short Circuit

93. "But the store owner and his son - that's a different story. We had the beat them to death with their own shoes."
—Wayne's World II

92. "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah."
—Christmas Vacation

91. "You know what else everybody loves? Parfaits. You ever ask somebody if they like parfaits and they say hell no I don't want no parfaits?"

90. "Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns. "
—The Breakfast Club

89. "How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?... Yeah... Coach woulda put me in fourth quarter, we would've been state champions. No doubt. No doubt in my mind."
—Napoleon Dynamite

88. "My mama says that I can't talk to you, you're the Devil"
—The WaterBoy

87. "He done R-U-N-D'ed off."
—Oh Brother Where Art Thou

86. "MMmmmm ... this IS a tasty burger!"
—Pulp Fiction

85. "And may I remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!"

84. "I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me."
"He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that."
"No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man."
—Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

83. "I'm a professional killer."
"Do you have to do post-graduate work for that?"
—Gross Pointe Blank

82. "Stand me up today and tomorrow I'll drive you to school in my robe and pajamas and WALK you to your first class. 4:00 okay?"
—Uncle Buck

81. "Are you gonna bark all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?"
—Reservoir Dogs

80. "Doug! I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth."
"It's called a French kiss."
"But I thought you were from Nebraska!"
—The Brady Bunch Movie

79. "It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around."
—Billy Madison

78. "It's a pterodactyl egg. It's fossilized. It's ninety million years old. In the entire world, only two of these have ever been found."
"You know, that may be worth something"
—Who’s Harry Crumb

77. "I see you're drinking 1%. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to."
—Napoleon Dynamite

76. "Would you like a nightcap?"
"No thank you, I don't wear them."
—Naked Gun

75. "I don't have to take this abuse from you, I've got hundreds of people dying to abuse me."
—Ghost Busters

74. "You can milk just about anything with nipples."
"I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?"
—Meet the Parents

73. "Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!"
—Robin Hood: Men in Tights

72. "I became..."
"You can read minds?"

71. "According to the map we've only gone 4 inches."
—Dumb and Dumber

70. "He's a giant knobhead with no knob."
—Bridget Jones

69. "Hi Curly. Killed anyone today?"
"The day ain't over yet..."
—City Slickers

68. "Dong (clap clap) Dong...where is grandpa's automobile?"
"Oto-mo-biiile?? (sounds of car crashing) Lake...Big Lake..."
—Sixteen Candles

67. "Does your dog bite?"
"Nice doggie."
"I thought you said your dog did not bite!"
"That is not my dog."
—The Pink Panther Strikes Again

66. "Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you got to believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they made me horny, on Saturday morning... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to be Betty's Barney. Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love."
—So I Married An Axe Murderer

65. "That's what the internet is for. Slandering others anonymously."
—Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

64. "Don't water the plants, they're plastic!"
—Best In Show

63. "Haven't you seen Boyz N The Hood? Now one of us is going to get shot."

62. "Inconceivable!! ..."
"I do not think that word means what you think it means."
—Princess Bride

61. "A gun rack ... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?"
—Wayne’s World

60. "1.21 jigawatts? 1.21 jigawatts? Great Scott!"
—Back to the Future

59. "I’m a mog: half man, half dog. I’m my own best friend."

58. "That old fart. He's got the best lawn on the block. And you know why? Because he trains his dog to crap in my yard."
—The ‘burbs

57. "That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E."
—Team America, World Police

56. "I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast."
"You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?"
"No... I..."
—Happy Gilmore

55. "The U.S. didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!"
—A Fish Called Wanda

54. "Come on, come on. We have so much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it."
—Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory

53. "They’re not waving at you. They’re waving at "Weird" Al."
—The Naked Gun

52. "I was hired to kill you. But I'm not going to. It's either because I'm in love with your daughter or I have a newfound respect for life."
—Gross Pointe Blank

51. "If I'm not back in 5 minutes, just wait longer"
—Ace Ventura

50. Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!
—Army of Darkness

49. "Wise man say: forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza."
—Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

48. "You have the whitest white-part-of-the-eyes I've ever seen. Do you floss?"
—Hot Shots

47. "Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual."

46. "Did you hear I graduated?"
"Yeah and just a shade under a decade too, all right."
"You know a lot of people go to college for seven years."
"I know, they're called doctors."
—Tommy Boy

45. "I bet you thought I didn't even know what a eugoogoly was."

44. "I dunno, Benjamin, this idea sounds kind of half-baked."
"No, sir, it's completely baked."
—The Graduate

43. "Our government has apologized for Bryan Adams on several occasions!"
—South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut

42. "They were giving me 10,000 volts a day, but I'm hot to trot. The next woman that takes me on is going to light up like pinball machine and pay off in silver dollars!"
—One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

41. "Don’t F*ck with the babysitter."
—Adventures In Babysitting

40. "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."
—Napoleon Dynamite

39. "I've been stabbed, shocked, poisoned, frozen, hung, electrocuted, and burned."
—Groundhog Day

38. "You know what??? There IS no Easter Bunny. Over there that’s just a guy in a suit!"

37. "Those aren’t two pillows!"
—Planes, Trains and Automobiles

36. "No sir, I did not see you playing with your dolls again."

35. "We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"
—Dumb and Dumber

34. "The first rule of Fight Club is - you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is - you DO NOT talk about Fight Club."
—Fight Club

33. "You shouldn't hang me on a hook, Johnny. My father hung me on a hook once. Once!"
—Johnny Dangerously

32. "What's a’happenin' hot stuff?"
—Sixteen Candles

31. "I'm gonna punch you in the ovary, that's what I'm gonna do."

30. "You know Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons."
—Princess Bride

29. "I crap bigger than you!"
—City Slickers

28. "Do or do not. There is no try."
—The Empire Strikes Back

27. "Are you saying that Jesus Christ can't hit a curve ball?"
—Major League

26. "It's Dr. Evil. I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much."
—Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery

25. "Oh, dear god, thank you, you are such a good god to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating god, and we thank you oh sweet, sweet lord of hosts for the smorgasbord you have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear lord three things we pray to love thee more dearly, to see thee more clearly, to follow thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen."
—Meet the Parents

24. "I grabbed him by his big fat head and say, ‘Listen, man, I’m not going to jail for YOU or ANYBODY!"
—Wayne’s World

23. "Honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road."
"Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world."
"Clark, watch your language! "
"Make that the second biggest."
—National Lampoon’s Vacation

22. "Remember that spelling bee you won in the first grade? Rock: r-o-k?"
"Yeah, so what's your point?"
"Ohhh yeh! The ‘c’ is silent."
—Billy Madison

21. You know what the gourmet here wanted? Hotdogs! You know what they're made of, Chet? Huh? Lips and assholes!"
—The Great Outdoors

20. "Hey James Bond. In America we drive on the RIGHT side of the road."
"I am, you try driving in platforms."

19. "How would you like to spend the next several nights wondering if your crazy, out of work, bum uncle will shave your head while you sleep? … See you in the car."
—Uncle Buck

18. "Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick! I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! … He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow."
—So I Married An Axe Murderer

17. "Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need … roads."
—Back To The Future

16. "I'm thinking about taking that new chick from Logistics. If things go right I might be showing her my O-face. You know: Oh. Oh."
—Office Space

15. "You're so money and you don't even know it!"

14. "These go to eleven."
—This is Spinal Tap

13. "That's what I love about these high school girls man, I get older, they stay the same age."
—Dazed and Confused

12. "Stop rhyming and I mean it ... anybody want a peanut?"
—Princess Bride

11. "I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this … That John Denver is full of shit."
—Dumb and Dumber

—The Goonies

9. "Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now."
—National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

8. "Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his waredrobe?"
—Breakfast Club

7. "I gave her my heart, she gave me a pen."
—Say Anything

6. "Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together—mass hysteria."
—Ghost Busters

5. "It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it."
—Blues Brothers

4. "Over? Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell No!"
—Animal House

3. "I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries."
—Monty Python and The Holy Grail

2. "So now you know that evil will always triumph because good is dumb"

And the number 1 movie quote of all time is:

1. "I was born a poor, black child."
—The Jerk

Thanks to the players who helped make this list possible. The folks involved in the process included: The Wise One, The Authority Guru, Buddha, The LGB, The Jypsy, Sista Mini-Me, The Witte Woman, Little Miss, Daizees74, The Chuckster and The Brain.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

From the Brain of the Giant Head

Talking ‘Bout His Girl

Many people love trying death defying stunts. Some jump out of planes from thousands of feet in the air with nothing but a flimsy umbrella-like parachute to break their fall to the ground. Others swim deep in the water, tempting sharks to chew through a swimsuit about as thick as a post-it note. I, on the other hand, did something more dangerous and more life-threatening than both of those combined--I asked the LGB’s Papa for his marriage blessing.

It was a Friday just like every other Friday of my life, except that I couldn’t stop urinating myself due to stress and fear. I had spent 6 hours that day composing an e-mail that was about to change my entire life.

I wrote: “Mr. Tracy…How is your day going? Mine is pleasant. Can you meet me after work?” (Meaning: I hope you don’t want to kill me.)

He e-mailed back: “Sure, how about 5:30 at Skyline in Clifton?” (Meaning: I want to kill you and eat some chili.)

I wrote: “Sounds good. See you at 5:30.” (Meaning: I’m currently preparing a will.)

His response: “Good. We can talk over some cheese coneys.” (Meaning: Killing makes me hungry for cheese coneys.)

So I left work promptly at 5 o’clock so I wouldn’t be late. During the 30-minute drive to Skyline I contemplated what I would say, how I would ask. Should I express my love for his daughter? Should I show him my clean medical history? Should I slip him a $50 and a lot of booze to lower his reaction time? I contemplated till my contemplator was sore. Then I finally came to a decision--I wasn’t in the mood for cheese coneys, so I’d get a three-way.

I arrived at the famous Cincinnati eatery at precisely 5:27, three minutes earlier than expected. I sat at a table in-between two couples, figuring he couldn’t harm me if others were around. By 5:32, both couples paid their checks and left.

One hour passes. It was 6:32 and no sign of Papa Tracy. My pores were leaking so much sweat that the Skyline manager ordered his crew to place a “Caution: Wet Floor” sign next to my table. Apparently I was becoming a safety hazard.

Then, 6:57 struck the clock. And it happened.

It’s amazing what one simple question can do to a person. Papa Tracy has always been a fairly tall man, having average build to go along with his nicely-shaped mustache. But somehow (and I’m not quite sure how this is possible) from the time that I e-mailed him until the minute he walked through the Skyline entrance, he added what appeared to be 250 lbs. of rippling muscle. It was as if Papa Tracy was eaten by a beast known as “Super Papa Tracy,” whose superpowers included eating 45 cheese coneys in a single sitting, picking up his car and carrying it over traffic from his Kentucky office, and pounding potential suitors for his daughters.

Unfortunately, suitor number one (me) can only eat 2 cheese coneys and has trouble lifting a glass of water. Panic sets in.

He sat down at my table and glared. Trying to stand my ground and look tough, I sat up straight, pulled my shoulders back and looked him right in the eyes. We were battling it out, mono-a-mono. Seeing who would flinch first. Finally, he cracked and opened his mouth.

“You have some cheese on your face.”

DAMN! I wiped a napkin across my lip and it came away covered in yellow stains. I was beat. I couldn’t win this battle. It was time for me to pack it on up and call it a night. The LGB deserved a prince in shining armor, not a cheese-faced sweat-a-holic.

But just as I was about to go, Papa Tracy flexed his muscles and spoke again:

“My boy, you have a good job, a decent sense of humor and my daughter has taken a liking to you. I’m willing to accept you as long as you abide by my three rules: 1) Take good care of her; 2) Don’t ever wear a fedora; 3) Make my daughter happy. If you don’t follow these, I will have to kill you.”

I was so overjoyed. He hadn’t killed me after all and he actually agreed to let me marry his daughter. For all the stress and build-up, our encounter was friendly. He wasn’t some crazy madman--he was just a man that cares for his daughter as much as I do, and I respected that. I think he respected that too. It is the one thing we will both always have in common.

Suddenly the fountain of sweat ran dry.

I shook his hand and left that Skyline with almost the same feeling I had the day I met the LGB. It was an excitement that I couldn’t fully explain, but felt under every inch of my skin. I was no longer confused by life--I had a set future. I was no longer a boy--I was a man.

And as soon as I got home I threw out my fedora.

“My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.” –Socrates

Friday, November 07, 2003

From The Brain of The Giant Head

And The Winner is…

Whether you remember or not (and most of you do because I’ve been receiving hate mail for months now), before the summer hit I was looking for a theme song. Not just any theme song, I was looking for a theme song to represent myself, The Brain. All good superheroes have one, and since I’m practically a superhero, I felt I needed one too. All the submissions were great, and it was really hard to choose a winner which is why it took so long.

But we do have a winner. The winner of the "The Brain Needs A Theme Song Contest" and our "Undiscovered Genius of the Month" is none other than the one, the only, Ms. Melanie Jo, who not only submitted an idea but also hammered out the new lyrics herself. For winning she gets all my expired McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces, a can of pop of her choice and a ticket to see a Reds game sometime next year with The Brain.

So, without further ado, I give you my Theme Song.

One of Us (aka The Brain’s Theme)
(re-written by Melanie Jo)

If THE BRAIN had some fame, what would it be
And would you recognize his face?
If you were saved by him in all his glory
How would you thank him if you had just one second
Yeah oh Yeah, Brain is Great
Yeah, oh Yeah, Brain is Super Sweet
Yeah, Yeah, ohhhhhh Yeeeah

What if THE BRAIN was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the ‘L’
Tryin’ to make His way to the LGB

If Brain had a mask, what would it look like
And would you want to pick its nose?
If seeing meant that you would have to believe
In things like baseball, in Griffey and the Reds
And all his wisdom and...
Yeah, yeah, THE BRAIN is a Badass
Yeah, oh yeah, Brain is a hero
Yeah, Yeah, ohhhhhhhhh Yeeeah

What if THE BRAIN was one of us
Just normal-size headed like one of us
Just a stranger on the ‘L’
Tryin’ to make his way to the LGB
tryin’ to make his way home
Back down to Nati’ all alone

Nobody screaming out his name
’Cept for the LGB in Chitown rain

Yeah, yeah, THE BRAIN is Cool
Yeah, oh yeah, THE BRAIN is dy-na-mite
Yeah, Yeah, ohhohhohohh yeah

What if Brain wedgied one of us
Just a nobody like you or me
Just a weirdo on the ‘L’
Gettin’ pick-pocketed all alone
Just tryin’ to make a little extra dough
Like a thug in Price Hill or Delhole
He heard your cries in Chi-ca-go
now he’s back in his cubicle
Nobody callin’ on the phone
’Cept for the LGB or maybe the poolice…

Yeeeeaahhh, yeeeahh oh yeeeahh

Thanks to everyone that participated. We’ll have another contest sometime down the road and I promise it won’t take five months to announce a winner. I promise to have it done in under three. –The Brian

Friday, October 31, 2003

From The Brain of The Giant Head

The Strike is Over--Playball.

It’s been five months. FIVE WHOLE MONTHS since I’ve last written a column. Have you missed me? Where in the world did the time go? Why haven’t I been writing? What has been going on in The Brain of The Giant Head? Well, I’m about to answer all your questions.

As many of you may or may not know, I have been absent from the site because our union, NAFLHI (The National Association For Larger Headed Individuals) went on strike. The Jypsy belongs to it. The Authority Guru belongs to it. James Van Der Beek belongs to it. For years we’ve been underpaid while still carrying the burden of supporting, grooming and feeding unusually large heads. All that hard work takes money, and money isn’t something executives, such as the Wise One, like to just hand out for no reason. They like to hand it out for no reason to beautiful women. And I, unfortunately, am only a beautiful woman on the inside.

So exactly five months ago I sat down at the negotiating table with the Wise One and told him that he needed a haircut. After that, I explained to him that I demanded better treatment and for an increase in pay, which at the time stood at zero dollars per column. He responded by saying that he agreed, he did need a haircut. He also said that what he paid me was fair ($0 per column) and he wasn’t just going to hand me money.

So The Jypsy and I joined the good people at NAFLHI and went on strike. I spent the first month of the impasse outside the Wise One’s apartment, carrying a picket sign that read, "Wise One Not So Wise…Claimed Gigli Was a Good Movie!" But the Wise One was smarter than I gave him credit for, as he sent out his top negotiator, Giant Hose With Impressive Water Pressure, to convince me to leave his premises. It felt like a spit in the face--from a huge elephant. So after doing some watering of his yard on my own, I left.

I spent the next few months the same as most other people: sleeping, playing softball, moving from Chicago to Cincinnati--typical things that people do. And after I moved back to the hometown, the Wise One finally agreed to sit back down at the negotiation table with me one more time. Was it because he missed my enjoyable writing style? Was it because his Web site had become dull without my prose week in and week out? Was it because I got him really drunk, put him in a compromising position and took pictures that I threatened to release via the Web to the general public? I’d like to think it was a little bit of all three.

So we sat down at the rectangular table that had negotiation written all over it (because while the Wise One was in the bathroom, I carved it in five times). We stayed up all night trading proposals, trading counter offers, trading lunches (Moral Victory Note: What the Wise One didn’t know is that the bag of Cheetos I traded him for his pretzels had been opened 3 months ago and were stale. HA HA H…what? There was a prize at the bottom of the bag? $50 gift certificate to Best Buy? DAMNIT!).

I told the Wise One that we demanded better wages, better working conditions and a 12-month subscription to the dirty magazine of our choice. We argued for hours. We argued over money. We argued over whether it was appropriate to wear socks with sandals. Finally, after our jaws were sore, I agreed to no salary increase, no better working conditions, no magazine subscription and periodic steroid testing. He agreed to stop calling me Tina.

So after the months of hibernation, They Jypsy and I are back and better than ever. We roaring and ready to go. We’ve got knowledge pouring out of our ears and need to share it with someone. Hope you join us again.

And the strike wasn’t a total loss, I guess. I’m proud to announce that we now get off for Yom Kippur. And, more importantly, I got the Wise One to drop his idea of getting matching sweat-suits.