Friday, April 28, 2006

From The Brain of The Giant Head

My Six Things

I’ve become a fairly avid MySpace user. For all you dinosaurs out there, MySpace is an online community for young people to stay in touch with their friends and for perverts to search for underage porn. Since the LGB has somehow programmed our computer to block porn sites—even the PG-13 ones—I can only use MySpace to stay connected with my friends.

Recently I was tagged by two of my friends, Kara and Jack (you’d think I could outrun both of them, but alas … ). Getting “tagged” means that they’ve written something, generally theme-based, on their MySpace page for you to read and then you have to write and post something following that theme. When you’re finished, you tag people and so forth. It’s like a pyramid scheme of fun.

This most recent project asked me to write six weird things about myself that everyone should know. While I doubt most of you think anything I do would fall under the “normal” category, I dug deep to find some items about myself that you may not have known. And, hopefully, you’re all still willing to be my friends after reading it. Here goes:

Six Things Weird About Me, by The BraiN

1. I’m extremely antsy 100% of the time. If my leg isn’t bouncing at a clip of a gillion miles per hour, I’m usually playing with my watch, tearing a napkin into a million pieces or ripping the label off of a beer. I’ve learned my lesson with functional objects, though, as I’ve put a staple clear through my finger. Twice.

2. I drive the LGB (which used to stand for Lovely Girlfriend Brittany, but now stands for Lovely Gwife Brittany) crazy when I eat soft-dough pretzels. Apparently I always peel off the skin and eat it first. After that outer layer is gone, I squeeze the dough into a ball and eat it separately. If you don’t believe me, buy me a pretzel at the Reds game. Even if you do believe me, buy me a pretzel at the Reds game.

3a. When driving in my car, I almost always rock out—and by rock out I mean sing loudly and bounce my head (Not in the I’m-Standing-At-A-Concert-Trying-To-Look-Cool kind of way, but more in a I-Have-A-Swarm-Of-Bees-Around-My-Head-And-I’m-Trying-To-Shake-Them-Off-Cause-I’m-Scared-Shitless kind of way). One time when I was jamming at a stoplight, this little old lady tapped on my window. I rolled it down and she asked (and I am not making this up), “Are you OK?”

3b. I also sing in the shower. Weird? No. But I sing TV theme songs. And yes, I know all the words to “Family Ties,” “Growing Pains,” “Who’s The Boss,” “Mr. Belvedere” and “Diff’rent Strokes,” to name a few. “Now the world don’t move … ”

4. Several times in my life I’ve attempted to take a word, turn it into an expression that means “cool” or “awesome” and subtly slip it into conversations to see if it catches on. See the failed Poison Experiment of 2001 (“That’s so poison”). The jury is still out on “That haircut is so sweet, it’s ergonomical.”

5. I think sweater vests are very ergonomical.

6. I fought getting a cell phone until this January, and not for the typical reasons you would think—don’t want people to get in touch with me, the added monthly expense, having to be one of those guys that clips it to his belt. The truth is, I grew up a punk rock kid. And, while my street cred was all ready on the downswing due to my iTunes including the music of Fall Out Boy, New Found Glory and Hanson, there’s one rule I abided by: Punk Rockers do NOT carry cell phones. So, I’ve officially sold out. No more Mohawk. No more slam-dancing. It’s only a matter of time before I grow the dad mustache.

I encourage everyone to make a list about themselves. It’s fun and it’s a good way to laugh at yourself—and to help others laugh at yourself.

Ps- Stay tuned. You thought this was hot, wait until I write the six weird things about my lovely wife. I’m sure that will go over well.