Posted 3:57 PM by Brian K

From the Brain of The Giant Head

Operation: Who-Dey

Here in Cincinnati we have plenty to complain about: no good form of public transportation, race-relation issues, a Banks project that won't be finished until sometime after 2078. But there is one thing—no matter your age, skin color or gender—that we can rally around: The Bengals. They're family. They're our brother. They went through that adolescent phase in the 90s where they had acne and were hard to stomach, but now they've blossomed into an adult that you enjoy to be around.

And, just when they're ready to shine, some outsider attacks them—and our home. (And no, surprisingly, it wasn't a Steelers' fan).

Elliot Kalb, sports columnist for foxsports.com, ranked Paul Brown Stadium, home of our beloved Bengals, the second worst stadium in all of football. SECOND WORST! That simply can't be true, can it? His review:

"The fans were so vulgar and there were such displays of drunkenness (no, fans, inebriation is not a right) that the team — to its credit — has instituted a jerk line to call out idiots who cross the line. Fans can use their cell phones to rat out their neighbors. Will it help? I'm skeptical. I realize that Cincinnati fans aren't the only ones who exhibit boorish behavior (Philly fans practically wrote the book on it). Besides those issues, however, there are things to dislike about PBS. I found it difficult to navigate in a car to a suitable lot, and to find the entrance to the stadium. Fans screaming about disrespect ("Who dey! Who dey! Who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?") is hardly worthy of great NFL chants." — msn.foxsports.com/story/5941952?FSO1&ATT=HCP>1=8595

WHAT A BUM! In his reasoning for giving the stadium such low marks, he does very little to actually review the stadium and, instead, directly attacks the fans. To make matters worse, he slams the one thing that's as sacred in this city as Opening Day: the WHO-DEY chant.

NOW IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BACK!

We need to show Mr. Kalb that Bengals' Nation completely disagrees with his ranking of PBS with OPERATION: WHO-DEY!. In the words of the Authority Guru: "I suggest sending him Who-Dey emails until his inbox explodes." So please join me in "WHO-DEY-ing" Mr. Kolb (talkto@elliottkalb.com) and letting him know that Bengals' Nation is number 1. No one messes with our family.

WHO-DEY!

--The Brain

Posted 1:33 PM by Brian K

From The Brain of The Giant Head

My Six Things

I’ve become a fairly avid MySpace user. For all you dinosaurs out there, MySpace is an online community for young people to stay in touch with their friends and for perverts to search for underage porn. Since the LGB has somehow programmed our computer to block porn sites—even the PG-13 ones—I can only use MySpace to stay connected with my friends.

Recently I was tagged by two of my friends, Kara and Jack (you’d think I could outrun both of them, but alas … ). Getting “tagged” means that they’ve written something, generally theme-based, on their MySpace page for you to read and then you have to write and post something following that theme. When you’re finished, you tag people and so forth. It’s like a pyramid scheme of fun.

This most recent project asked me to write six weird things about myself that everyone should know. While I doubt most of you think anything I do would fall under the “normal” category, I dug deep to find some items about myself that you may not have known. And, hopefully, you’re all still willing to be my friends after reading it. Here goes:

Six Things Weird About Me, by The BraiN

1. I’m extremely antsy 100% of the time. If my leg isn’t bouncing at a clip of a gillion miles per hour, I’m usually playing with my watch, tearing a napkin into a million pieces or ripping the label off of a beer. I’ve learned my lesson with functional objects, though, as I’ve put a staple clear through my finger. Twice.

2. I drive the LGB (which used to stand for Lovely Girlfriend Brittany, but now stands for Lovely Gwife Brittany) crazy when I eat soft-dough pretzels. Apparently I always peel off the skin and eat it first. After that outer layer is gone, I squeeze the dough into a ball and eat it separately. If you don’t believe me, buy me a pretzel at the Reds game. Even if you do believe me, buy me a pretzel at the Reds game.

3a. When driving in my car, I almost always rock out—and by rock out I mean sing loudly and bounce my head (Not in the I’m-Standing-At-A-Concert-Trying-To-Look-Cool kind of way, but more in a I-Have-A-Swarm-Of-Bees-Around-My-Head-And-I’m-Trying-To-Shake-Them-Off-Cause-I’m-Scared-Shitless kind of way). One time when I was jamming at a stoplight, this little old lady tapped on my window. I rolled it down and she asked (and I am not making this up), “Are you OK?”

3b. I also sing in the shower. Weird? No. But I sing TV theme songs. And yes, I know all the words to “Family Ties,” “Growing Pains,” “Who’s The Boss,” “Mr. Belvedere” and “Diff’rent Strokes,” to name a few. “Now the world don’t move … ”

4. Several times in my life I’ve attempted to take a word, turn it into an expression that means “cool” or “awesome” and subtly slip it into conversations to see if it catches on. See the failed Poison Experiment of 2001 (“That’s so poison”). The jury is still out on “That haircut is so sweet, it’s ergonomical.”

5. I think sweater vests are very ergonomical.

6. I fought getting a cell phone until this January, and not for the typical reasons you would think—don’t want people to get in touch with me, the added monthly expense, having to be one of those guys that clips it to his belt. The truth is, I grew up a punk rock kid. And, while my street cred was all ready on the downswing due to my iTunes including the music of Fall Out Boy, New Found Glory and Hanson, there’s one rule I abided by: Punk Rockers do NOT carry cell phones. So, I’ve officially sold out. No more Mohawk. No more slam-dancing. It’s only a matter of time before I grow the dad mustache.

I encourage everyone to make a list about themselves. It’s fun and it’s a good way to laugh at yourself—and to help others laugh at yourself.

Ps- Stay tuned. You thought this was hot, wait until I write the six weird things about my lovely wife. I’m sure that will go over well.

Posted 8:33 AM by Brian K

From The Brain of The Giant Head

NCAA Bracket Number 234 out of 235

I've never won an NCAA tournament bracket before, and, with 2006's March Madness underway, I'm proudly continuing that trend--I'm in second last place. Fun times. These how-to-fill-out-a-bracket tips will guarantee that you'll never see your entry fee again.

1. Never pick a school if you could beat up the mascot. A California Golden Bear sounds like a stuffed animal you’d spoon as a child. Now the Marquette Warriors, I wouldn't @*#$ with them.

2. If you love a school and want it to do well (like I root for the University of Cincinnati), pick them to lose in the first round. I always pick UC to make the championship game. They have yet to advance past the second round and this year they didn’t even make the tourney. I’m sure it’s my fault.

3. Always pick Duke and North Carolina to go far. Everyone else does.

4. Never pick Montana to win. There are only 17 people who live in Montana and, after careful statistical analysis, there’s no way more than 3 of them can be over 6’2.”

5. If there’s a person in your office who doesn’t know a thing about college basketball but decides to enter your pool for “poops and giggles,” cheat off of them. The less a person knows about the sport, the more likely they are to win.

6. Don’t ever pick a team whose coach wears a blazer that matches the school’s colors, particularly if it’s a blinding orange. Yes, that means YOU Tennessee. While I’m generally not one to give advice on fashion, I think I’m safe in saying that if Coach Bruce Pearl’s bright orange blazer was a disease, it’d be malaria.

7. Make sure the team you pick to win it all doesn’t play their first game until the evening. I’ve made the mistake of picking a team that played in the early afternoon and, when they lose that game—and they WILL lose that game--you’re more prone to throw things. Coworkers don’t appreciate that. (Sorry about that stapler to the head, Kelly. You’d think a scar like that would heal up after three years. Then again, I also thought Iowa State would win it all.)

8. Don’t ever pick any school from Iowa. Three years in a row I picked one to go to the final four, and three years in a row they lost in the first round. If it wasn’t for Indiana, Iowa would be my least favorite state.

9. Don’t tell people that Gonzaga is your sleeper team. Gonzaga is EVERYONE’S sleeper team. You’re better off picking them to lose in the first round, then carefully memorizing this phrase and repeating it to everyone you know, “Everyone knew Gonzaga was so overrated this year.” This will make your friends feel like eggheads.

10. When the championship game comes, don’t be too upset. Just because you’re 347 points out of first place and you have Oral Roberts vs. Winthrop in your championship game, neither of whom advanced beyond the first round, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the day. After all, Opening Day is upon you. And instead of watching your team fail in three weeks, it will be spread out over 6 long summer months.